TAMPA, Fla. — Attendees at a local death metal show Saturday night were leery of a suspicious man wearing a Six Feet Under t-shirt, who was thought to be either an undercover cop or lead singer Chris Barnes, several baffled camo short-wearing metal fans report.
“No self-respecting death metal fan would ever wear a Six Feet Under shirt in public unless they were a narc or the founding member of the band,” said showgoer Rachel Dunsmore. “It was extremely hard to tell which it was though. The dreadlocks, paired with the fact that he was clearly there alone, made me think it was most definitely Chris Barnes. But the completely unnatural way he held his beer made me think he was a cop pretending to be a death metal fan. Also, he kept talking directly into his shirt as if he had a wire on him. That could still be Chris though. Can’t be too sure.”
The man in question seemed irritated that anyone would confuse him for law enforcement or a metal vocalist.
“In all my years on the force, I mean in the metal community, I’ve never heard anything more silly than any of this,” said Justin DiBella. “I’m just here to enjoy the death metal music in person as any loyal enthusiast of this genre would do. It’s outrageous! So outrageous in fact, that I am going to ask around to see if anyone has any illegal drug paraphernalia on them, so that I can partake in being high during the festivities.”
Six Feet Under singer Chris Barnes was fed up with the lack of respect among metalheads.
“Ever since the first SFU album came out, I’ve heard stories from our dozens of fans saying they get called out, accused, or made fun of for repping the band,” said Barnes. “I myself can’t even go anywhere without some knucklehead asking me to scream a certain vowel or reading them their Miranda rights as they point and laugh. But at any rate, at least I can say I was in Cannibal Corpse for a while I guess, even though many people believe being in Six Feet Under cancels out Cannibal Corpse.”
At press time, suspicions grew even further after DiBella was seen at another show wearing a Five Finger Death Punch shirt.