SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Guests at a local Halloween party were struck with fear and confusion recently when a light-hearted séance conjured up the very much…

Feel Old Yet? The Demon Goat Guy on the Cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” Just Had His 4,078th Birthday
Who’s got two horns, helped to spearhead the first wave (and only true wave, for my money) of black metal and just hit the big…
Every 3 Inches of Blood Album Ranked Worst to Best
If you have been unfortunate enough to visit the YouTube comments of the video of any given metal band, you’re well aware of the ever-present…
Every Deicide Album Ranked Worst to Best
In a way, we’re thankful to whoever tried to ram Christianity down Glen Benton’s throat during his childhood, as the end result was a chip…
Lifelong Metalhead Enters Third Consecutive Decade of People Assuming He Listens to Rammstein
BOULDER, Colo. — Local metalhead Theo Cordin entered the third consecutive decade of his friends and family assuming he was a fan of German Neue…
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Cult Americana legends Murder by Death are celebrating a unique milestone by officially disappointing one million metalheads who were enticed by their…
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Bret Michael’s longtime bandana and cowboy hat launched a heated custody battle of his head this week, according to sources flipping through…
Every Carcass Album Ranked Worst to Best
When you hear mention of extreme metal, what comes to mind? Death? Destruction? Gore? How about conventional medical terminology? If you’re new to the genre,…
I Noticed Your Publication Has Been Talking a Lot of Shit About Bassists — Guest Article by the Ghost of Cliff Burton
Hey metal fans, the ghost of Cliff Burton here. I’ve traversed the astral plane to call out The Hard Times. I couldn’t help but notice…
Every Cryptopsy Album Ranked Worst to Best
Cryptopsy’s music is what people who hate metal think of when they hear the phrase “death metal.” It’s chaotic and techy, can feel out of…
Metalhead Shows More Conviction Arguing About Superiority of Dio-Era Black Sabbath Than He Did Arguing for Custody of His Own Children
ADDISON, Vt. – Metalhead Adam Brockford showed more conviction arguing with a stranger about Black Sabbath outside the Addison County Courthouse than he had shown…
Every Suffocation Album Ranked Worst to Best
Long Island’s brutal death metal progenitors Suffocation have been gouging out the eyes of unsuspecting music fans for well over three decades at this point.…
Every Broken Hope Album Ranked Worst to Best
Ahhh, Broken Hope. If you’re a fan of death metal and have never heard of them, first off, call every single one of your friends…
Every Bolt Thrower Album Ranked Worst to Best
Within the genre of extreme metal, there are bands that have cemented their places in history, and then there’s Bolt Thrower. For almost three decades,…
Guy Wearing Mercyful Fate Shirt Inside 200-Year-Old Church Kind of Disappointed He Didn’t Burst into Flames Upon Entering
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local heavy metal fan Eric Tullman was saddened that the Mercyful Fate shirt he was wearing while making an emergency restroom stop…