HOUSTON — A local 39-year-old Rockets fan’s entire financial future is dependent on hitting a promotional half-court shot worth $100,000, said nearby sources. “I don’t…
It seems like everybody these days has a cause that they truly believe in. Whether it’s fighting for a person’s right to bodily autonomy or…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Popular musician turned right-wing icon Kid Rock revealed a line from his 1999 hit “Bawitaba” referred to the infamous Riemann mathematical conjecture…
It’s 4/20, and you’re probably thinking, “Who cares, I already smoke weed every day,” right? Well, what if I told you that even the most…
PORTLAND, Ore. — A group of local potheads went door to door singing stoner metal carols to celebrate 4/20, confirmed sources peering outside their blinds.…
I don’t mean to come off as preachy or superior, but I’ve always felt sorry for people who need to consume a substance to have…
OCEAN TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Tilly, a haunted Victorian era doll recently donated to a local Goodwill, is on the cusp of tormenting the souls of…
My family and I love living here in Montclair — there are restaurants for my wife and me, theaters and museums for the kids, and…
LOCKPORT, N.Y. — Local 35-year-old man Richard Colburn recently came to the stark realization that he will never again experience joy like he did watching…
BOSTON, Mass. — Scientists confirmed that Democrat lawmakers’ spines are by far the softest material on the planet, and quite possibly in the known universe,…
Look, I’m not one to complain. For the past sixty years, I’ve been a proud American who’s enjoyed exactly two things: my freedoms and my…
COPENHAGEN — Prolific metal singer King Diamond hoped nobody would notice his eponymous band’s new concept album “Infernal Curse” followed the same plot as the…
WASHINGTON — President Trump announced the creation of the new Federal Institute for Regulating Ethnonormality (FIRE) agency that would complement ICE by importing white foreigners…
Unless you’ve been blissfully unaware of any and all current events, this country is fucked. I’m not trying to sound defeatist but we’re looking at…
TACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed…