WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today declared his plans to live for eternity after stuffing his orifices with silica gel packets,…
There are a few rules I live my life by: a balanced diet is a slice of pizza in each hand, my level of sarcasm…
AUBURN, N.Y. — Local metalhead Stew Benendez came to the realization he could no longer headbang the way he used to after noticing how dizzy…
BLACKWELL, Okla. — Local man Darren McFadden was ready to take on his day after his Instagram algorithm fed him several consecutive Reels of horrific…
One was a massively corrupt political party dragging the country into authoritarian oligarchy through lies, xenophobia, and secret police. The other, a Democratic senator, fresh…
AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the band’s singer, confirmed sources. “I…
WICHITA, Kan. — Local 62-year-old dad Carl Strungis reportedly spends hours glued to The History Channel, absorbing absolutely nothing except the vague sense that explosions…
Ah, the Fourth of July: the day we celebrate George Washington conquering thousands of commies back in biblical times to win our God-given freedom to…
SARASOTA, Fla. — Local husband and father of three Brett Spalding proudly showed off his expensive new grill to friends and neighbors at a cookout,…
HULL, U.K. — Extreme metal provocateurs Infant Annihilator are changing their name in an effort to minimize any association with the State of Israel and…
Listen up, weary renters! Are you bummed over the fact that you’ll never know the joy that comes with owning property and accumulating wealth as…
MESA, Ariz. — A local man, described by everyone who knows him as an unambitious, directionless complete loser, is reportedly pretty cool with that, according…
CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local man Thomas Harper mistakenly ordered a large number of CDs by nu-metal band Powerman 5000 in a frenzied attempt to purchase…
Nu-metal really was a fantastically underrated genre, and society has suffered from it not being in the mainstream for the past two decades. Luckily, thanks…
LOS ANGELES — Taylor Swift, the popular recording artist with a key supporting role in “The Lorax” (2012), was reportedly “stoked beyond belief” to have…