HIALEAH, Fla. — Local Netflix user Julia Owen was left contemplating her sense of self, purpose, and place in the world after Netflix suggested she…
So Rick Rubin is producing your next album. Fantastic news! He’s a musical genius known for unconventional production methods such as transcendental snacking and recumbent…
WASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A particularly violent wall of death during an Exodus concert continued after peace talks failed to reach a diplomatic solution, distressed sources…
Wow, you can never judge a book by its cover. Even if that cover is an NYPD uniform. I mean here I am, stumbling piss…
ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Amateur guitarist Jay Alvarez recently purchased a $450 delay pedal in an attempt to replicate the last few seconds of Radiohead’s 1997…
HERMOSA BEACH, Calif. — Black Flag founder Greg Ginn revealed that the band’s next album will feature artwork by his nephew Ben, sources in the…
Bluesky: It seems like the place on the internet where everyone wants to be right now. “It’s like Twitter, but with less Nazis”, they say.…
WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a…
DALLAS — A local 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline worker abruptly hung up on a caller from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement who was despondent…
Holy fuck you guys won’t believe this shit. McFuckingDonald’s secret menu is real and it will change your normal dumbass lunch for the better. I…
MOUNT KISCO, N.Y. — Veteran Recruiter Nina Masellis is ready to head home after a long, grueling day of indiscriminately emptying her inbox of qualified…
My fellow centrists, As of this writing, I have just gotten off the phone with Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist, congratulating him on winning the…
LOS ANGELES — “The Bear” showrunner Christopher Storer announced that Season 4 of the hit FX series will shift focus from high-stakes kitchen drama to…
With growing concern surrounding misinformation, propaganda, and proposals of state-sanctioned “wellness camps,” Americans today are friggin’ scared. Are re-education camps in our future? Lolz, no.…