OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local punk Kevin Wilder admitted he was feeling slightly fatigued after he completed a 5K race during a circle pit during a…
If you’re around millennial age, chances are pretty high that you got home from school every day to find your mother watching the newest episode…
BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — A ceasefire has been reached after tense backstage negotiations at this weekend’s Battle of the Bands, confirmed relieved sources. “As fragile…
It’s been another week in the confusing hell-scape that is life. Just because the world seems to be crumbling at an alarming rate doesn’t mean…
TEL AVIV — IDF soldiers and fellow genocidal maniacs alike were excited to witness Israel’s version of Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow Monday morning, which…
KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Local emotional support dog Gus is reportedly “at his limit” and has sought his own emotional support from local Yorkipoo, Lil…
Fuck! I made a huge mistake at work and now I’m paying for it dearly. My huge mistake? Not making mistakes! Unlike my coworkers, I’m…
CANTON, Mass. — Observers of the cover art of Dio’s 1983 debut masterpiece “Holy Diver” collectively agreed that the priest depicted being whipped by a…
SEATTLE — Local anarchist Tommy Greggors staunchly declined to answer a survey about his experience at OfficeMax, confirmed sources. “I simply refuse to let the…
Employers need to be consistently sure that they’re checking every box to ensure the field’s best professionals are not only drawn to their businesses, but…
SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year…
WASHINGTON — 19-year-old Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) agent Braden Wakefield found himself running short on reasons for why he can’t hang out with his…
The doctor said this was a first: no one had requested their own colonoscopy footage before. I said this was a request from the deepest…
LOS ANGELES — Notorious rapper Kanye West apologized for his past controversial remarks about former President George W. Bush, confirmed sources. “I said some things…
Yesterday, Tesla CEO and current Trump BFF Elon Musk wowed the Nazi-sympathizing crowd at CPAC by unveiling The Chainsaw of Bureaucracy, a legendary weapon that…