NOBLESVILLE, Ind. — Local metalhead Lonny Godwin, a man who was conceived in the handicapped stall in the bathroom of The Union Bar in Iowa City during Slipknot’s World Domination Tour, plans to follow in his parent’s footsteps by having unprotected sex with his girlfriend during the band’s upcoming 25th anniversary tour, confirmed multiple sources tired of hearing about the plan.
“My father and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. He hasn’t talked to me ever since I set his boat on fire after trying to launch some dead fish into the air with fireworks. But I have to admit that he got it right when it came to conceiving a child,” said Godwin while repairing his dirtbike. “People say that playing classical music for your kid in the womb makes them smarter, but conceiving your kid during the ‘Eyeless’ will make them tough as nails I should know, I’ve never had a broken bone, and that includes the time I fell off the ferris wheel at the county fair when I was 12. Just needed 240 stitches, didn’t even cry.”
Godwin’s girlfriend of 18-months, Becky Ivers, was excited about the prospect of motherhood.
“Lonny has always been a little hesitant about being a father. He has a bunch of excuses like how he wants to be financially stable enough to get an above ground pool before being a dad, but then Slipknot announced this tour and everything changed,” said Ivers. “As soon as he got the pre-sale email he started Googling things like ‘best position to get my girl pregnant’ and ‘best burgers to make semen stronger.’ Personally I can’t wait, we haven’t had sex in a public bathroom in weeks because he doesn’t want to jump the gun.”
Music historian Andreas Gutiérrez believes there is an entire generation of metal fans entering the prime of their moshing lives that were conceived in or around Slipknot performances.
“There is a distinct subset of Gen Z that can be labeled ‘Oz Fest babies.’ They are now in their 20s, they grew up listening to these bands and now is there chance to be the ones running the pit,” said Gutiérrez. “I have to warn the older fans that are now pushing 50 to be careful. Your children are now at the point where they can kick the crap out of you. Don’t be the dad that brings his son or daughter to a Slipknot show only to have that same son or daughter knock them out during a mosh part.”
At press time, Godwin and Ivers announced they would be trying for twins by having sex during the first Slipknot song, and during the encore.
