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Review: Fit for a King “The Hell We Create”

This week we reviewed Christian metalcore band Fit for a King’s latest release, “The Hell We Create,” which describes in detail a terrifying and painful afterlife that apparently awaits us all.

It’s well known that, back in 2020, Fit for a King guitarist Bobby Lynge was legally dead for eleven minutes after mistakenly ingesting bird poison which he believed was teeth whitener. After he was resuscitated, he began to describe an infernal pit of torment in which he had just spent his time while deceased and later revised into the lyrics for this record. Here are some of our favorite details about what hell is actually like:

  1. Hitler is there. Just thought we’d lead off with that fact because it’s nice to have solid confirmation of it.
  2. You are reconstituted there in whatever body you had that made you feel most insecure and dumb, then they make it worse.
  3. The only thing that isn’t on fire is your own genitals, which are actually so hot that they have reached a temperature at which flame cannot thermally exist.
  4. Apparently, Hell wasn’t even founded until 1745. It is unclear whether this was due to procrastination or if the dudes who wrote the bible just fucked up.
  5. Allen Ginsberg is always looking at you with his weird, dead, pedophilic eyes.
  6. If you were a nerd, then every bully you ever had is there. If you were a bully, then every nerd you used to beat up is there and also twice your size now.
  7. Ska is always playing somewhere in the distance so that all you can vaguely hear is the horns. It’s maddening.
  8. Billionaires get to keep their money and you have to look at it.
  9. When you think you are finally free of the eternal torment that has befallen you, say by the sweet kiss of antivenom bringing you back from your bird poison-related fatality, you are still cured with the knowledge of what awaits you in your inevitable end.
  10. Wow. Now that we think about it hell actually seems like quite a bit of a downer. What the shit, Fit for a King?! Why are you trying to bring us down? Fuck you!

Score: 1 out of 10 commandments that are fucking impossible to follow and you’re going to hell. All of you are going to hell.