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Every Trap Them Album Ranked Worst to Best

Trap Them (originally known as Trap Them and Kill Them) was one of those bands that had great albums, but to truly “get” them you had to see them live. Which you can’t now, because they broke up. Sucks to be you, loser. But if you did, you know what we’re talking about. Ryan McKenney was one of the most underrated vocalists around, a fact that was also true when he was the vocalist for the criminally underrated Backstabbers Incorporated. Norwegian black metal dudes who have killed people don’t come off as scary as McKenney did with a microphone. On one tour, he broke his feet. There’s video of it. He spent the rest of the tour doing vocals in a chair and then the next tour on his knees as his feet were in casts. And it was somehow more scary, fucked up, and intense than when he could stand. It’s like how they say a wounded animal is the most dangerous animal. That’s Trap Them: even crawling on the ground, with broken bones, they’re gonna melt your face off.

5. Blissfucker (2014)

“No bad albums” isn’t the hardest feat with only five full-lengths. But it doesn’t change the fact that Trap Them put out no bad albums. Ranking this album last is like saying wolf cubs are the 5th cutest animal. Does it mean they’re not cute? No. They’re so cute. THEY’RE SO CUTE. But have you seen red pandas? Baby raccoons? Pallas cats? MY DOG?!?! All so cute, your brain explodes. Wolf Cubs are also adorable. “Blissfucker” is a killer album. There are no real complaints, other than it’s just not the Trap Them album we instinctively reach for when we wanna listen to Ryan McKenney shred his vocal cords for our enjoyment. But this album still slaps the hell out of your taint. It’s a real taint-slapper. And the unrelenting blast beats of “Former Lining Wide the Walls” are worth a listen on their own.

Play it again: “Former Lining Wide the Walls,” Lungrunners,” and “Gift and Gift Unsteady
Skip it: You don’t skip Trap Them songs

4. Seizures in Barren Praise (2008)

For a lot of folks who aren’t as cool as us, this was how they first heard Trap Them. And honestly, it’s a great intro to the band. The first two tracks “Fucking Viva” and “Targets” are the perfect sample menu of the band. The former being a great example of their slower, heavy, almost noodley songs that we’ll call “dread bangers” and the latter being an example of their one of their furious, breakneck speed types of tracks we’ll call “anger splooges.” This album established the band in the larger scene, with some claiming them to be torch-carrier-on-er of the buzzsaw sound of Entombed. Which is fine. The influence is there. But there’s a stank on this record that doesn’t sound like any of their “influences.” Or maybe it sounds like all of them, dead in a pile? I don’t know. It’s just a pretty swell record. Also “Mission Convincers” might be the best dread banger they have.

Play it again: “Fucking Viva” “Mission Convincers” and “Reincarnation of Lost Lones”
Skip it: You don’t skip Trap Them songs

3. Darker Handcraft (2011)

“Darker Handcraft”? Probably should’ve named it “Heavier Awesomesongs!” Nailed it.
This album shotguns you into the darkest alley behind the grossest dive bar ever, right from the jump. Three anger splooges in a row that splooge a whole lot of anger. And while we haven’t mentioned it much yet, the riffs in the band are legendary. Brian Izzi sure knows how to guitar his guitar. When he guitars a guitar, things are heavy. Guitar. For lots of folks, this album is number one and that sounds ok by us. While “Seizures” is a solid intro to the best, “Darker Handcraft” truly the best album to start with, because if you don’t dig this, you’re not gonna like the rest of it.

Play it again: “Slumcult & Gather,” “Damage Prose,” and “Sovereign Through the Pines”
Skip it: You don’t skip Trap Them songs

2. Sleepwell Deconstructor (2007)

Sometimes a debut album sets the bar too high to ever reach again. Other times is a skeleton blueprint, hinting at the future heights a band will hit, but you never really wanna go back and listen to it. But “Sleepwell Deconstructer” threads the needle in between both. There’s a (yeah we can’t believe we’re saying this either) youthful energy to this one. Shorter songs and the feeling of “fuck it, we gotta record this in a weekend” is spread throughout the whole thing. And here’s something weird: it’s the only Trap Them album that feels almost… fun? Don’t tell them we said that. They seem like they wanna come off very mean and scary. And mean and scary guys don’t have fun. But this album is kinda fun.

Play it again: “Day One: Insomniawesome,” “Day Five: Garlic Breakfast,” and “Day Seven: Digital Dogs With Analog Collars”
Skip it: You don’t skip Trap Them songs

Honorable Mentions: All of their EPs

They’re all good. They put out enough non full-length stuff for the collection to be a solid full-length album. And it’s all killer no filler. Everything from the demos to the early Trash Art stuff, up to “Filth Rations,” considered by some to be their best overall release (with some real tasty drum stuff). We wish we could quit Trap Them. But we can’t. And we won’t. You can’t make us. Because you’re not our real dad.

1. Crown Feral (2016)

Always nice when a band goes out with a bang, and “Crown Feral” is a hell of a bang. Similarly to “The Great Muppet Caper,” this album is much more nuanced than one might initially think. For one, the move to have Kermit and Fozzie be identical twins who are journalists is genius. And Gonzo as their photographer is a no-brainer. The film also has one of the all-time great Muppet songs “Happiness Hotel” named after the eponymous hotel where our three main leads stay. Besides a villain in the legendary Charles Grodin, there are memorable cameos from John Cleese and Robert Morley, among others, as well as an always-welcome Sesame Street crossover from Oscar the Grouch. In the end “The Great Muppet Caper” is the best Muppet movie to exist and…shit. My bad, we were talking about “Crown Feral.” Yeah, it’s their best album.

Play it again: “Revival Spines,” “Hellionaires,” and “Happiness Hotel”
Skip it: You don’t skip Trap Them songs