It can be difficult to communicate to everyone how horny you are in a way that all parties understand. Gone are the days when you could take a shot of ice-cold Jäger, burp it back in everyone’s face, and say, “Yeah, I’m ready to fuck.”
Thankfully, Chino Moreno exists. No other frontman can yowl and caw in a way that is as erotic as it is melancholy. Armed with an expertly-crafted Deftones-only playlist, you will announce how uncomfortably horny you are to the world–without any of the clumsy small talk or downloading another dating app. Turn up this playlist and wait for the horniest collection of weirdos you’ve ever seen to come crawling to you! (Listen to the playlist, we bet you can’t make it 5 songs without busting, click here)
25. “Hole in the Earth”
As we kick off this list, let’s take a moment to talk about the borderline pornographic cover of “Saturday Night Wrist.” You don’t even have to listen to “Hole in the Earth” to get a sense of how desperate the listener is to paw at the nearest pair of hips. Plus, this song has that throaty singing thing that Chino does when he’s feeling extra spicy, so “Hole in the Earth” is sure to awaken the burbling teenage libido of everyone within earshot. Be careful where and when you play it. You’d hate to accidentally reignite the steroid-fueled loins of your neighborhood MMA gym.
24. “Phantom Bride”
If this song came out in 1991, “Phantom Bride” would’ve been featured in an episode of “Baywatch.” This lusty diddy would’ve played as David Hasselhoff’s character Mitch Buchannon saved a lifeless babe that needed a dreamy single dad to pull her out of six inches of water. And that rare Steph Carpenter solo would be perfect over a montage of bouncing red bathing suits stuffed to the brim with sex meat. We have it on good authority that lifeguards consider “Phantom Bride” the most erotic song ever written by anyone not named Lionel Richie.
23. “Rosemary”
This song is perfect for a late-night drive with your best friend/crush. They’ll hear it and finally realize what a quirky, artistic person you are. They may even see your jaw in the moonlight and think, “Huh. Maybe…” right before they remember your favorite drink is Mountain Dew Code Red which is why your teeth and lips are permanently stained an off-putting shade of pink. If nothing else, maybe you’ll inspire your crush to send a flirty message to their crush after you drop them off. In basketball, that’s what they call an assist, and you’re the John Stockton of sexual intercourse!
It should go without saying, but just in case you don’t know, John Stockton was a legendary professional basketball player that helped many men make love. John’s teammates lauded him for his unrivaled match-making prowess.
22. “My Own Summer (Shove It)”
Once again, I must implore you to see the cover and recognize this song for what it is: an anthem for every person trying to hook up with the hottest girl at the pool. Please play this song and see if they’re feeling your vibe instead of trying to be the lude photographer that gets too handsy during the shoot. Nobody likes that person because they’re creepy and desperate, but everybody likes the person that has a good time playing absolute bangers and doing cannonballs.
21. “Pink Maggit”
Before we get to the erotic nature of this song, let’s take a moment to acknowledge that the real “White Pony” is the one that ends with “Pink Maggit” and not the one that starts with “Back To School (Mini Maggit).” Anyone that says otherwise is a bozo–I’m looking at you, Madonna!
Now, let’s start speaking salaciously. This song has the best of all worlds: Steph Carpenter stoned out of his mind slow-playing his guitar until he catches a nifty mid-paced rhythm. Chino, Abe, Chi, and Frank jump in at just the right time to turn a romantic noodle into a memorable tune perfect for making out in the backseat of a Dodge Neon in 2001.
20. “Teenager”
Moving into the top 20, it’s time for something unassuming and kinda sweet. And who doesn’t like a sensitive, lof-fi song when you’re sitting in the waiting area of a bank with a cute stranger or two? You’re mostly here to see about a small business loan, but arranging some kind of entanglement with one or more of the cutiepies there waiting to refinance their mortgage wouldn’t be too bad, either. The tender sweetness of “Teenager” will let everyone in this Teachers Credit Union know you’re an all-American, next-door type with an awe-shucks smile and a libido cranked to 11.
19. “Prayers/Triangles”
Telling someone you’re a suitable lover requires a person to display an escalating series of unique characteristics. “Prayers/Triangles” will help you meet many of them. Sentimental? That gentle little riff at the start says more than enough. Powerful and willing to take control? I think the chorus speaks for itself. Willing to take a long walk in the dark when you can’t cum because your sex organs have been rendered useless by various pharmaceuticals? Just read the lyrics.
18. “Genesis”
When it comes to letting others know your general level of horniness, it’s important to know your audience. Some people want Kenny G. Some people want ’90s R&B. And some people want “Genesis” by Deftones because you are in the most sexual of all stores: Home Depot. Forget whips and chains and say “Oh, hello,” to circular saws, nail guns, and all-weather decking. Hot. “Genesis” is the perfect song to try out your newfound “wearing nothing but steel-toed boots” kink with someone that probably voted for Trump in the last two elections. This sexy alt metal riff fest fills all political divides, if you know what I’m sayin’.
17. “U,U,D,D,L,R,L,R,A,B,Select,Start”
This ultra-rare Deftones instrumental is a great way to let potential mates know you’re not afraid to do drugs and have wild, uninhibited sex like they do in movies. You can drop everything and just live. Theoretically. You could do it whenever you want to, but who has that kind of time? I mean, there’s work, band practice, daily meditation, working out, art studio time, sessions with your life coach, recording your podcast, curating your collection of vegan broth recipes, and definitely something else. Right? You’ve probably gone to a pumpkin patch or haunted house at some point, but… You’re not purposely overscheduling yourself because the isolation of math rock jazz tabs and like three or four friends feels safer than engaging in unplanned social situations or driving in new neighborhoods. Nope. You’re up for anything. As long as you can check your Outlook calendar first.
16. “Entombed”
For whatever reason, adding a little synth to any song makes it just that much more… passionate. It says, “I had a Kraftwerk phase, and I’m a better lover because of it, baby.” Many incredibly talented musicians have picked up innumerable instruments and performed innumerable styles all in search of that which is available to anyone that has ever played synth: droves of insatiable lovers. So, if you don’t play synth, the next best thing is to play something with a little synth and a bare-chested, satin sheets energy like “Entombed” by Deftones. The answer to loneliness was there all along.
15. “Minerva”
“Minerva” is the perfect level of “I am a Deftones fan,” to share with others without immediately alienating them. Any babe could be persuaded to snuggle in and sway side-to-side as the shoegazey power of “Minerva” washes over your intertwined bodies. It could be magical. Keep that in mind if you’re trying to date someone that’s never cared about the Sacramento music scene. You’ll blow it if you start with “Hexagram,” “Bloody Cape,” or “When Girls Telephone Boys.” You’ll end up playing poker and shotgunning Red Bulls with your best friends like you do every other night.
14. “Needles and Pins”
When properly placed, this song can be the proverbial gasoline on the fire you’ve lit in a stranger’s corduroys. Secretly, we all know that love is pain and acknowledging the temporary nature of human attraction means that wearing a leather mask and asking to be spanked with frozen blocks of raw meat isn’t actually that weird. For some, this is several steps too far. They could be down with BDSM, leather, ass play, and meat paddles, but they might start to wonder, “God damn, this is A LOT of Deftones songs. Is that the only band on this playlist?”
Sure is. Looks like it’s time to get a new Dom.
13. “Mascara”
This is the kind of song that only your ex can hear. So, be strategic in your desperation. You had a lot of very good reasons to break up like your contempt for how they behave in public, treat your friends, and color outside the lines in their adult coloring book. But… damn. That ass still looks great on Instagram. Be warned: there is no romance here. “Mascara” will inspire a kind of angry–but efficient–warmth you can’t get anywhere else. It’s the kind of thing you’ll thoroughly enjoy because it only happens once-a-year. Like Labor Day.
Be careful and consider skipping “Mascara” unless absolutely necessary.
12. “Hearts/Wires”
Playing “Hearts/Wires” is hotel-bed-covered-in-rose-petals adjacent. It’s a bold move, and sometimes being uncomfortably horny requires you to take risks. This song is one of them. If this is going to work, be sure you’re wearing your silkiest flame shirt. Your tips need to be frosted as fuck, and your breath needs to smell like you’ve recently crushed a bean burrito and 24 oz Bud Light. Absolutely nothing is hotter than giving someone the chance to reconnect with the one that got away. “Hearts/Wires” evokes the visage of this exact person for most long-time Deftones fans. And you’ll be there waiting in the wings to get a little bit of the relief you so desperately need—like John Cusack in “Say Anything” if he was trying to bang adults that work at the mall.
11. “Street Carp”
As we draw closer to the top 10, we have to start thinking about what’s going to happen in the next 3-12 minutes–depending on your ability to run it back, of course. What are you going to do when a crowd of lusty weirdos whose foreheads are still stained from their most recent Manic Panic dye job want to know who you are? Are you going to tell a person that claims to be in a trip hop band how to contact you? “Street Carp” will set the record straight: this is purely clinical, friends. This song says, “I’d love to be able to enjoy the majesty of northern California’s rolling hills without thinking about how they look like a perfect pair of cheeks.” No one here has a real name or phone number or job, and what happens in Sacramento stays at the world’s most horrifying Radisson you can ever imagine.
10. “Birthmark”
The lone entry from 1995’s “Adrenaline” is “Birthmark.” This song has a flirty bass line and premature crescendo that says, “I’m an inexperienced lover, but I’ve seen a lot of it on TV!” This is a redundant statement because you’re wearing weed socks and playing Deftones on a bluetooth speaker in the park. Everyone knows, but no one standing around this gazebo is judging you for it.
9. “Change (In the House of Flies)”
Gang, we do need to talk about consent. Probably should’ve brought it up earlier, but it’s important to remember that your horniness is not in charge of you–you are in charge of it. So, please do not pull off anyone’s wings unless they ask. Consent is continually given, and whatever sexually-active insectoid being you’ve managed to start fucking can tell you at any time to stop tearing off its wings. These beautiful creatures love Deftones just like all of us, but they don’t have to let you rip hunks off their thorax just because Chino and the boys have you ready to gush.
8. “Pink Cellphone”
Is “Pink Cellphone” the most atmospherically erotic Deftones song? Not exactly. Is it the only Deftones song that explicitly discusses butt fucking and butt fucking “residue”? Yes. Save this song for a special occasion or until you’ve discussed any potential partner’s views on foreskin and the Hot Carl Institute. In the right company, this is a jackpot. Misplayed, this song lands you back on the incel message board.
7. “Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)”
This is the song that launched a thousand makeouts in your high school art class’s supply closet. Even though the song is almost thirty years old, it’s said that playing “Be Quiet…” can still make a person’s pheromone production return to teenage levels. The first time Steph Carpenter hits a “berr-berr-de-be-be-berrr” on his guitar, it ignites the body’s cardiovascular system as it prepares to do something much more demanding than eating cereal in your mom’s tanning bed. And by the time Chino tells the listener he’s dressed them in a strange woman’s clothes and to drive away, well… the human endocrine and reproductive systems are positively in hyperdrive. No one listening to “Be Quiet and Drive…” is going less than 100 mph to reach the closest pair of nips and lips. Play this song and prepare to receive whatever svelte, love-thirsty being it reanimates in your fellow listener.
Be sure to pack enough rope to climb out of whatever crevice(s) you chose to explore!
6. “Knife Prty”
Everyone knows adult eroticism hinges on the delicate interplay of two main factors: cocaine and knives. And as luck would have it, “Knife Prty” has ‘em both! As a bonus, this weird-as-fuck track from “White Pony” also features the disembodied wails of the world’s horniest ghost! Urban legends say that if you play this song during a séance, you and a partner can have a threesome with that ghost on the astral plane. Weird fact, the ghost is former U.S. President Teddy Roosevelt. Keep that in mind if you’re trying to have a chill night of snorting rails off a stranger that you will later stab with a rusty pocket knife. President Roosevelt’s boundless appetite for thicc asses will understand. For now.
5. “Lucky You”
We’re in the top five, folks! The rest of this list should come with its own parental advisory because these songs are auditory erotica!
Playing “Lucky You” for someone also announces that you write Matrix fan fiction on the weekend. Unfortunately, you’re too self-conscious of your ability to describe the complicated love life of a man trapped in a world controlled by computers even though that plot is no longer science fiction. But since your short stories of Keanu Reeves kung-fu kicking his way to true love and healthy boundaries are collecting dust, play this song and wait for the right person to come along. Your Trinity–or Morpheus–will finally ask you what you’re wearing underneath that magnificent leather duster. Everyone else will know to stay a solid four to six inches away for the foreseeable future.
4. “Cherry Waves”
You can be more than one thing, and “Cherry Waves” is the perfect song to show off your sophisticated side. Those jazzy little instrumental builds right before the chorus croons a sexy little “YoooUUUUooooUUUUUUUUUU,” will remind everyone you own a waterbed and a toothbrush. And considering what else is out there, having a bed that isn’t your buddy’s couch and a night time hygiene routine counts as being sophisticated now. But while we’re on the topic of the aforementioned waterbed, let’s acknowledge that your bed is probably why you kinda always smell like trout and boat exhaust. Generally, filling your waterbed with sea water and sleeping in a bullet belt are bad ideas. They’re even worse ideas when you combo them, but at least you’re in the no cavity club!
3. “Passenger”
Sexuality is a spectrum, and “Passenger” is a bisexual anthem about being seduced by a wriggly little muscle Daddy that really needs a ride. Not even an album filled with noodley little cis-het love anthems and bare-knuckle chest beaters like “Korea” and “Elite” can deny the heat of Maynard James Keenan’s equator. We imagine he stopped doing geometry to record his vocals shirtless and smelling of leather–which is HAWT AF. Listen. You never know what opportunities might arise when you play Deftones songs over a loudspeaker at the county fair. Literally anyone could show up ready for a sexy country drive and then ask you to kill a stranger. Just be open to the opportunities that come along because we all know there won’t be many.
Carpe those cheeks, my friends!
2. “Sextape”
Most people find it hard to get their AirPods out after “Sextape” because the song is just soaking. And if you play it loud enough, everyone will wonder why because it’s impossible to listen to this song without needing a little downstairs rearranging. “Sextape” is for the bedroom. Or maybe a bathroom if you have a nice clawfoot tub. I could see a kitchen if you’re really spontaneous. I guess the basement if the kids are watching a movie upstairs would be fine, too, but “Sextape” is definitely not for your rec-league soccer team’s pre-game playlist. Time and place are everything.
1. “Digital Bath”
Here we are, folks! We’ve arrived at the all-time horniest Deftones song. If people haven’t figured out you’re a simmering pot of debilitating sexual energy, this last track will set the record straight!
24 breathy years after its release, “Digital Bath” is still the best way to remind everyone that you have been ready to hump for the last thirty minutes. While off-putting to some, others may see it as proactive, sex-positive language. But there’s so much more to you than just palpable horniness. You’re also deeply troubled! Seriously, how is “Digital Bath”–a song about killing someone with a toaster in the bathtub and then dressing their corpse–so… fuckin’… sexy?!
But it really is, right?! What the hell does that say about us? Damn. I thought we agreed not to kink shame.
There you have it! These 25 Deftones songs are guaranteed to let everyone know that you are throbbing, soaking, and sometimes both! YUCK! You might be asked to leave a birthday party or two for listening to this playlist, but you definitely won’t be leaving alone.