Words like “hope” and “optimism” have been going around a lot the last few weeks, but if you ask me, we’re just settling. Sure, it’s nice not to feel like we’re on the brink of global fascism for a little while and sure, Kamala Harris and Tim Walz are, nice, or whatever. But are they going to make us all be excellent to each other? Will they bolster our infrastructure to the point where we have more awesome waterslides than any planet we’re in contact with? Why are we so joyfully accepting a band-aid to our growing turmoil when we’ve known the solution since 1989?
It’s time we all set politics aside and pool our national, or better yet global resources into perfecting time travel technology so Bill and Ted can ace their history report and lead us into utopia.
We’ve all seen what could be. The lack of war, the abundance of resources, the adaption of “Party on dudes” as a universal hello and goodbye. Why in God’s name are we settling for anything less? Do we want leaders who are maybe going to make late-stage capitalism suck a little bit less for a couple of years or do we want leaders who wear retro-futurist robes and sunglasses indoors who can make music by air guitaring somehow? We need to stop being so short-sighted and we need to start setting The Excellent Ones on the path that will lead us all to a brighter tomorrow.
I know what you’re thinking—” Aren’t Keanu Reeves and Alex Winters getting a little old? Isn’t George Carlin dead?” Well, that’s what’s so great about a time machine—it’s a time machine! Once you realize the possibilities time travel opens up, any alternatives become most heinous by comparison.
It’s been 25 years since that movie came out and I am most devastated to report that in all that time we have not made one step forward toward making it a reality. If anything, we’ve gotten further away from it! We don’t even have regular phone booths anymore, let alone a phone booth that can round up the likes of Socrates, Billy the Kid, and Abraham Lincoln. Right now Station are looking down at us from heaven thinking “Shouldn’t those bodacious dudes have come to pick us up by now?”
If we don’t collectively set forth on this excellent adventure now there will be no bogus journey to the idyllic Wild Stallion society that could be, and the only music we’ll be facing will be the shrieking terrors of societal collapse. Call your congressperson today and hum a few bars of “God Gave Rock ‘N’ Roll To You” before we are all just dust in the wind.