You know, it’s not every day you get invited to an orgy. Especially when you’re approached by a stranger while shopping for bottles of Bud Light shaped like your favorite football team’s mascot. Granted, my orgying prime is well behind me, but this was a “Super Bowl” themed orgy so I decided to come out of retirement for one more romp. Well, now that I’m here, I’m getting the feeling that everyone would rather have group sex than watch the freaking Super Bowl!
It’s the Chiefs going up against the 49ers, baby! Who’d want to miss this championship rematch? Mahomes and Mr. Irrelevant will be going at it on the field, but I won’t be able to concentrate on the game because all these losers around me are too busy going at it with each other.
Where the fuck is all the classic Super Bowl watch-party shit? I’m talking about wings, pizza, chili, and spinach-artichoke dip. None of that is here. Sex toys have filled what I assumed was a chip bowl and the “lube station” is sorely lacking a nacho cheese option.
Look, I get it. Maybe football isn’t for everyone. But the people at this orgy have ignored every single commercial so far. I get it if you’re gonna fuck during the actual game, but these companies paid millions of dollars for 30 seconds of ad time. Have some priorities!
Oh, but you’ll all stop banging each other during the Halftime show. Dammit, this is the one thing I wanted to skip. Fuck this, I’m gonna masturbate in the bathroom. Someone let me know what Usher is wearing.