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Woke Dude Putting Everyone To Sleep

COLUMBUS, Ohio — “Woke dude” Pete McNamara lulled a once-thriving party into collective slumber after vocalizing his socially progressive opinions, according to extremely disinterested listeners.

“This party was dope. So fun,” said partygoer Jen Franklin. “People playing cards and laughing, just a nice vibe. Well, until Tony’s friend got a few in him, and started going on about how Charlize Theron’s hairstyle in Fate of the Furious is cultural appropriation, and how the party would be better if there was ‘more diversity in the room.’”

Anthony Platt confirmed that McNamara, his roommate, has a propensity for thoroughly dismantling any affable situation.

“Unfortunately, someone brought up Chance the Rapper, and Pete jumped in and immediately derailed the conversation,” said Platt. “According to [McNamara], signing to a major label is ‘basically modern day slavery.’ Then, he wouldn’t shut up about Prince for the next 45 minutes.”

Witnesses report McNamara grew more vocal about “hot button issues” as he consumed more alcohol.

“People tend to live their life with blinders on, but not me,” said McNamara proudly. “As a white man, it’s my duty to use my privilege to tell all my friends what they’re doing wrong. Do I feel bad for telling the host of this party that her house is located in the center of what was once a predominantly African-American neighborhood, and that she should be ashamed of herself for living here? No. Because she should be ashamed.”


Some attendees noted the tone of the party went from amicable to tense in a matter of minutes, thanks to McNamara’s insistence on showing everyone a 14-minute YouTube video about racist undertones in modern cereal advertising.

“At one point, he really started going off on the Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins, but also said he’s ‘not ready to let the Atlanta Braves off the hook,’ and that the Cleveland Browns are awfully suspect as well,” said partygoer Melanie Chambers. “After that, no one really wanted to talk. Like, at all. Everyone was so tired of nodding at him and saying, ‘Uh huh,’ people just fell asleep on the couch.”

As of press time, McNamara was heard lecturing a sleeping room on the importance of Tyler Perry in the modern media landscape.

Photo by Shelby Kettrick @ShelbyShootsStuff.