WASHINGTON — The Trump Administration announced plans earlier today to build a “big, beautiful” paywall around the White House website. Officials confirmed IT professionals are already developing code to block visitors who are neither paid subscribers nor American.
“Right now, anyone can visit the White House website and read whatever they want,” said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. “Under the Obama administration, our enemies had unfettered access to policy details, photographs of Air Force One, and literally the address of where the President lives. If that information gets into the wrong hands, who knows what massacre might occur?”
Despite public outcry against the new paywall, President Trump defended his decision.
“Remember, this is a very small fee. Very small. $5 a month. Who doesn’t have that? Who? The site’s forum hasn’t received a single complaint,” President Trump said while taking questions at an event to honor those who have lost their lives to cancer. “There were some bad hombres on the other site. I mean the comments, you wouldn’t believe it. Links to all sorts of bad places — and I mean bad. The worst of the worst, believe me. But now? Our new beta is a great website. It loads so fast, no one believes it. I talk to all the top guys, all the tech leaders, they call me and say, ‘Mr. President, I can’t believe how fast the new site is.’ They’ve never seen anything like it. No one has. And let me tell you something: This is common sense. This is what I said I was going to do. I promised to build a big, beautiful, impenetrable paywall, and it has a nice beautiful button to enter your payment info and then you can come in. But we have to be careful who we let in.”
Trump surrogates quickly flooded news outlets to back the proposed ban on unique site viewers.
“The American people, outside the liberal media bubble you live in, know only illegals and terrorists don’t have credit cards,” argued Kellyanne Conway on The Situation Room. “That is just fact. If you don’t have an AmEx or PayPal account, you’re plotting a massacre. This is how we keep the bad guys out. Also, EBT cards will not be accepted.”
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The paywall will reportedly feature a CAPTCHA verification process with words “only true American citizens would know,” according to Sebastian Gorka, Deputy Assistant to President Trump. “Phrases like ‘apple pie,’ ‘Tom Brady’ and ‘trickle down family values.’”
“Oh, shoot — I didn’t mean to say those out loud,” he added. “Don’t print what I just said, you lying hacks!”
As of press time, the administration was scrambling to figure out how to live up to the campaign promise of having Anonymous pay for paywall.