CHICAGO — Singer/guitarist of political punk band Numb Chomsky and Global Political Systems Ph.D. candidate Miles “The Throat” Fitzsimmons realized during last night’s rehearsal that neither his bass player nor drummer completed the week’s mandatory reading, according to sources within the Music Zone rehearsal space.
“I got to our space early and left a brief pop quiz on their snare drum and guitar case. As soon as they walked in, I could tell they hadn’t read anything about how the Sandinista grassroots army toppled the U.S.-backed Somoza dictatorship in ’79,” Fitzsimmons said. “They both saw the questions, which I took from a 7th grade history textbook, and immediately left to go to the bathroom. I think they were cramming info on Wikipedia.”
According to Fitzsimmons, Numb Chomsky’s new album, Sandinismo, will be a concept record following a Nicaraguan teen fighting in the revolution. Despite the 25-page packet Fitzsimmons handed out following the last practice, bassist Ryan Glassley seemed shaken by the questions.
“When I saw that shit labeled ‘READING QUIZ APRIL’ sitting on my case, I was like, ‘O.K., Dr. Throat is going too far right now,’” said Glassley. “Like, I agree with most of the stuff he says, but you aren’t my friggin college professor, dude. Last tour, we pissed in the same jug for four days. Sorry if I don’t always have time to read every goddamn book in the world.”
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Sources close to the band report Numb Chomsky, who made headlines last year with their T-shirts reading “BRING ON THE WHITE GENOCIDE” over a picture of President Donald Trump murdered by a firing squad, has been outspokenly political from the beginning. According to drummer Derek Arroyo, however, the homework and quiz crossed the line.
“I didn’t learn drums so I could take tests at practice. Not everyone has an encyclopedic knowledge of the geopolitical landscape of Central America,” said Arroyo. “And I’m not saying I didn’t do the reading, because I for sure did. It’s the principle of it!”
At press time, Arroyo and Glassley were seeking ways to earn extra credit from Fitzsimmons to make up for answering every question incorrectly.
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