WASHINGTON — The Republican Party is breaking up, according to an announcement posted on GOP.com, citing “creative differences” as the leading cause of the split.
Fans of the political party across the nation are already reeling from the announcement. “I can’t believe [the Republicans] are finished,” said Mary Riley of Arizona. “But, hey, at least we’ve still got the memories. Who could ever forget classic policies like Reaganomics, or that incredible performance in the ’94 midterm elections?”
While fans such as Riley are mourning the Republicans’ demise, others believe the party’s best days are far behind it. “I loved the demo they did back when Abraham Lincoln was a member — the Gettysburg Address is an all-time classic,” said Joe Goodwin of Missouri. “Honestly, though, they’ve kinda sucked since then. Remember that Iraq War? It got so much hype, but people realized pretty quickly that it wasn’t as good as the Republicans’ old stuff. And let’s not even get into that terrible Tea Party side project.”
Critics note the Republican Party’s popularity has declined since their mid-1980s heyday despite a loyal following, attributing their struggles to recent personnel changes, most notably the party’s choice of Donald J. Trump as its new frontman. Trump, in addition to attracting controversy with his erratic behavior, has reportedly clashed with fellow party members on multiple occasions.
Longtime Republican leader Paul Ryan issued a press release, stating, “We tried to get along, but Mr. Trump was just so hard to work with. We’ve been scheduling rehearsals for debates all month and he never shows up. He just can’t get his shit together.”
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Ryan’s comments may explain growing complaints of lackluster Republican performances. “I was in the front row for the October 9th debate,” said lifelong fan Bobby Bridges of Ohio. “I couldn’t wait to see the Republicans in action. But, man… Trump was just a wreck that night. He butchered all the classics! When Reagan first talked about ‘law and order’ in 1980, I almost cried. But when Trump did it, he was so flat and uninspiring.”
The party announced it will be running in its last election on Tuesday, Nov. 8, 2016. “We are asking our fans to come out and support us one final time,” said Ryan.