PHILADELPHIA — Residents of the Skam Houze punk squat in West Philadelphia held an intervention late Thursday night for recently-employed roommate Val Torres amid mounting concerns of her “ascension into functioning society,” according to sources.
After several months of gainful employment at a local coffee shop, the 26-year-old Torres was confronted by her 8-15 roommates, depending on the day, inside their furniture-less living room. The group, who reportedly took turns addressing their worries of Torres’ well-being, was led by housemate Ted Phillips, who opened the ceremony by recalling a heartbreaking story.
“Last month was my birthday. And you know we always dumpster dive behind Trader Joe’s for an expired birthday cake. And you couldn’t be there, because you had to ‘get up early.’ Do you have any idea how much that hurt?” asked Phillips. “I don’t even recognize you anymore.”
Tearfully reading a prepared note from an iPhone 7 Plus he received as a Christmas present from his loving family, but claimed he “stole from a Drexel student,” never-employed roommate Sean “Mattress” Matthews said he first noticed a change in Torres’ behavior as his schedule became more consistent and predictable.
“We have no idea where you are Monday through Friday. Sometimes you’re missing up to eight hours a day,” said Matthews. “So one weekend, I followed you all day … and I saw you go to a restaurant, and eat inside.”
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“And now you’re bringing home fresh groceries?” he added. “We’re worried.”
Wharton School of Business dropout-turned-“state smasher” Lindsay Reynolds reflected on how Torres’ now-healthy lifestyle was impacting other members of the communal home.
“I knew you hit rock bottom when you took the house dogs out on a jog,” she said. “Dogs don’t like that. At all. Ever. They like to sit on cardboard and eat sodium-loaded human food from tin foil takeout containers every three days.”
At the intervention’s conclusion, new roommate Leslie Bauer, who only as of this morning moved into the home, delivered the final ultimatum to Torres.
“We don’t want it to come to this,” she said. “But if our concerns go unnoticed, we will kindly banish you from this house to a place where you have heat and central air conditioning.”
Photo by Kat Chish.