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Loose Cannon Cop Is Less “Lethal Weapon Mel Gibson,” More “Real-Life Mel Gibson”

DETROIT — Self-described “loose cannon” police officer Lance Colt is much less like the renegade hero Mel Gibson plays in Lethal Weapon, and way more like the “drunken, racist villain” Gibson is in real-life, according to fellow members of the Detroit police force.

“I wouldn’t mind him being such an outlaw if he also got results,” said Detroit Police Chief Carl Janner, who has regularly reprimanded Colt. “Unfortunately, his version of ‘playing by his own rules’ usually involves casual homophobia, ranting about ‘Vegas whores,’ and calling female officers ‘sugar tits.’”

Colt’s on-the-job performance, frequently described as “unorthodox” and “reckless” by his coworkers, is where his comparisons to Lethal Weapon anti-hero Martin Riggs end.

“25 years on the force, and I never had a partner. And that’s who they gave me?” said Colt’s former partner, Capt. Terry Brassey. “If I was a younger officer, maybe I’d put up with that shit. But I’m just too old for it now.”

Despite being a devout Christian, much like the real-life Gibson, Colt is routinely written up for behavior skirting the limitations of the law. Records show Colt recently completed six months of desk duty after screaming in uniform at a Denny’s server.

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“He was visibly drunk and very angry,” the server, who requested anonymity, said. “When I told him he couldn’t substitute hashbrowns on his Moon Over My Hammy, he blew up — and then he said that I should smile more if I want better tips, and I should also blow him. I was terrified. Also, how is it even possible to smile and perform fellatio at the same time?”

Despite Colt’s faults, the admittedly forgiving Chief Janner continues to offer Colt opportunities to redeem himself, all to no avail.

“I’ve thrown him off of several cases for insubordination; each time, I’m secretly hoping he’ll go behind my back and solve it. Kind of like the good renegade cop, you know? But instead, he just sulks at home, and blames his failures and inadequacies on some bullshit Zionist conspiracy,” said the Chief. “I know now he’ll never be like Riggs. But at this point, I’d settle for a lesser ‘loose cannon’ movie cop. Or, really, anything other than ‘racist shithead cop.’”

When reached for comment, Colt abruptly ended the conversation, insisting all witnesses “go blow him in a jacuzzi.”

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Article by Patrick Coyne. Photo by Spencer Platt / Staff.