WILMINGTON, Del. – A local grandfather expressed outrage and envy at the increasing social acceptance of transgender Americans, according to sources trying to enjoy dinner at Aunt Martha’s.
Rhett Dobbs, an 86-year-old veteran and retired auto parts wholesaler, surprised his loved ones with a mixed rant on trans issues during a monthly family dinner. Dobbs was previously known for his negative outbursts on race relations, healthcare, and “Julie’s deadbeat son-of-a-bitch boyfriend.”
“It all started when he brought up Caitlyn Jenner, apropos of nothing, which is something I’ve come to expect. But things felt a little different when he got deeper into it,” said Justin Dobbs, Rhett’s oldest grandchild.
“I just can’t understand that lifestyle,” said the senior Dobbs. “The way it is, is that you’re either a man or you’re a woman. Obviously, we’d all like to be women, but you’re not allowed to. That sacrifice is what being an American is all about.”
Sources report many attempts were made to change the subject to young Eric’s upcoming soccer game, with no success.
“Back in my day, you kept the knowledge that you’re a gentleman outside and a lady inside to yourself, and that’s how we liked it. Why, I had to wait until your mother left to do the shopping so I could put on her dress and stare longingly into the mirror at my true, inner soul,” said the octogenarian to an uncharacteristically silent family.
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When asked, “Uh… um, could you please pass the mashed potatoes, Grandpa?” Dobbs responded by saying, “Or you kept a God-dang lipstick hidden under the mattress in your Korean barracks and claimed it was ‘a memento from your lady back home’ when the sergeant asked about it, knowing full well you bought it for yourself before shipping off.”
The ranting senior concluded by shaming those who “flaunt” their gender identity rather than letting it bottle up and fill them with bitterness. “That’s how you deal with it like a true woman,” Dobbs said.
Other talking points from the evening included criticism of Molly’s “new goth thing she’s doing” and speculation about whether estranged cousin Sam had fallen prey to another multi-level marketing scheme.