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Doctors Give Steve Bannon Only Six Weeks Left to Hate

WASHINGTON — Doctors issued a stern warning to former Chief White House Strategist Steve Bannon yesterday, according to leaked medical reports, giving him mere weeks to issue more putrid and vile remarks before the “cold hand of death pulls him down to hell.”

“I’d say six, eight weeks at most. For the sake of the country, I hope it’s sooner,” said presiding physician Dr. Alan Gira. “In my 20 years in practice, I have never seen someone filled with such contempt, prejudice, and loathing towards the human race and live to tell about it. I’m shocked he’s still alive, to be honest with you. He’s more ulcer than man.”

Bannon, whose pallid appearance of late worried supporters, claimed nothing is ammiss.

“Don’t you worry your angelic little white faces,” proclaimed Bannon from the balcony of his penthouse. “I’ve still got years of chauvinism and repugnant discrimination in me,” he added, quickly ushered away after coughing up what appeared to be a piece of his esophagus.


One of Bannon’s home-healthcare nurses, who insisted on anonymity to maintain personal safety, seemed particularly worried. “His bowel movements are nothing but blood and spite,” she admitted. “His only sustenance is a Wild Turkey 101 IV.” She confirmed Bannon has been sleeping better within his cryogenic chamber, however, which maintains an atmospheric balance of 80 percent pure oxygen and 20 percent molecularly reconstructed Mussolini speeches.

“If he were to quit his antipathy and xenophobia right this second, maybe—maybe — he could recover … but I highly doubt he will. And even then, I’d be worried about withdrawal,” said Dr. Melissa Falkins, Professor of Enmity Studies at Johns Hopkins University. “He truly is awful to look at and hear. Bigotry and self-hatred might be the only things keeping him alive anymore.”

Those close to Bannon report that, despite doctor’s warnings, he is more determined than ever to continue his work, penning a proposal just this morning to cut off welfare benefits to any recipients who own a television set.