WASHINGTON – Top Democrats have revealed a groundbreaking plan to combat Trump’s fascist takeover, and, according to Chuck Schumer, it doesn’t take much and it’s already working.
“We are more dedicated than ever to the American people,” said Schumer. “We have always fiercely combated fascism. Remember that time I kneeled for 8 minutes and 46 seconds? That ended racism for Biden’s entire term. But it’s back now because of Trump. Along with all those other isms. Which is why we are rolling out a plan to relentlessly send out fundraising emails and nothing else. That’s our promise to the American people. You give us $5, we will never give up on doing nothing for you.”
A top political analyst who has been studying the Democratic Party for decades weighed in on the bold new strategy.
“Based on the plans I’ve seen, this really is a big deal and it’s going to create a lot of change. I mean, it’s a huge step up from their past policy of doing very little for $5,” said Maria Devenzo, who runs the left-leaning think tank Moving Progess. “They used to occasionally pass legislation. To promise to continue relentlessly ask hardworking citizens for money while making absolutely no concrete promises in return is a bold new era.”
A few lucky citizens have already seen this plan coming to fruition. Lifelong Democrat, Terry Christopher, shared her experience.
“I’ve never seen promises fulfilled by politicians in this way. Usually it’s ‘I’ll do this, I’ll do that.’ And then before we know it, none of those promises have been fulfilled. But these e-mails have been vaguer than ever in terms of their plan to do anything other than take money. I mean, I got the text, I pitched in $5, and they gave nothing their all, said Christopher. “Just like they said. We really can trust them. I just know they’re going to keep doing it. Their dedication to the American people is unparalleled. They are working as hard as possible to do absolutely nothing at all.”
When asked if they had considered either doing anything or not taking money from hard working people, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer reminded reporters that responding to questions is a form of action before evaporating into a fine mist before reintegrating into their corporeal forms in their respective offices.