Press "Enter" to skip to content

Bouncer Confiscates Only Thing That Would Have Made Show Enjoyable

BROOKLYN, N.Y. – A bouncer at the Heart House allegedly infuriated one concert-goer earlier this week after confiscating what was hesitantly described as “back medicine” that was “only for a friend, anyway, man.”

“This is bullshit,” Art Bowen, 23, reportedly said moments after the bouncer seized several items. “How am I supposed to enjoy this show without my ‘tool kit?’ Do they really expect me to just listen to this music and enjoy it on my own? What the hell!”

Sources say Bowen would not disclose precisely which items were taken, but that he “is still really fucking pissed” about it.

The bouncer in question stood up for his actions. “We have a strict policy against anyone bringing any show-enhancing materials, alright?” he said. “These people came to see a dreampop-shoegaze band on a Tuesday night. I have to sit through this sober, so I can’t allow them to just go in there and enjoy it.”

“Also — no glass,” the bouncer added. “That shit breaks and people could get hurt.”

“Bouncers have a long history of ruining shows for people like Bowen,” explained concert historian Jennifer White. “Whether it’s something you smoke, something you snort, something pressed into the shape of a fun cartoon character, or something you put directly into your eye for the most far-out, brain-obliterating experience of your life, bouncers have been there to stop it.”


Bowen still claims the venue’s long-standing policy is unfair. “I can’t stand this music, but I hoped I could still enjoy the show,” he explained. “I figured there would be cool lighting with lots of colors… reds, yellows, greens, all the good ones. Plus, my buddy Mike was gonna make fun of how all the hipsters here are dressed – how am I supposed to laugh at his dumb jokes without my… my… what did I say it was earlier? Blood clot medicine? I should have put all of it between my toes like last time. Fuck.”

Despite the setback, sources say Bowen tried to enjoy himself anyhow and attempted to order a drink at the venue bar. “Just give me a couple glasses of the good stuff… you know what I’m talking about, man,” he said slyly.

The bartender reportedly had no idea what Bowen was talking about.