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Band Girlfriends Set to Create Uneasy Friendship out of Obligation

PORTLAND, Ore. — Sarah Walker, girlfriend of Corpse Crawl drummer Steve Schultz, traded phone numbers with the girlfriends of her boyfriend’s bandmates in a transparent attempt at forcing a friendship, according to sources close to the band.

Last Thursday marked the eighth Corpse Crawl performance Walker attended since she and Schultz started dating two months ago. Being one of seven people present for the show, Walker, who “didn’t want to seem like a bitch,” made small talk with the guitarist’s girlfriend, Rachel Morris, and the bassist’s fiancée, Emily Mitchell.

“She seemed like she was bored, so I told her, ‘Hey, why don’t you go chat with the girls?’” Schultz said, unloading his kit. “The girls usually sit to the side of the stage so they aren’t mistaken for fans. I said she should grab her own chair and bring it on over.”

An uneasy scene unfolded when, despite having little to nothing in common, Walker made small talk and discussed having a “girl’s date” together.

“I joked about how we’ve all heard the guys play ‘Fetal Entrail Orgy’ so many times, I’m starting to wish I actually WAS fucked to death in utero. They didn’t really laugh, or agree, or even respond at all. But maybe we’ll hit it off when we go bowling next week,” Walker said of her attempts to find common ground.


Witnesses report Walker excused herself to “go to the bathroom” before actually going around the side of the building to smoke a few cigarettes in silence and blankly stare at her phone.

“Sarah can be pretty reserved. I’m glad she’s taking advantage of this built-in friend group finally,” Schultz said of his girlfriend’s attempts to make friends with his bandmates’ significant others. “She agreed to go to Emily’s belly dance recital, which is great. She probably wants someone to talk with about girlfriend stuff.”

When asked by the other girlfriends if she could bring a dish to Morris’s winter celebration potluck tomorrow, witnesses report Walker agreed, saying, “I guess I could make a trip to the grocery store before then, sure.”

Photo by Ben Harkins @TheBenHarkins.