WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans to cut much needed mental health funds for America’s clown posses, confirmed dope-ass sources.
“They’ve been stealing our money and spending it on Faygo,” said the President. “People are always saying to me, ‘Donald, why does my tax money go to these clowns’ and I know exactly what they mean. This Dark Carnival is very bad, lot of criminals there. And they gather all the time, have you heard of this? They’re laughing at us. Violent J is a personal friend of mine, smart guy. His fans might be insane, but they’d be more insane to think they’re going to squeeze more money out of the American people.”
Although Trump’s language indicated that the funds were being misused, most recipients of them spent the money on appropriate mental health programs.
“I was going to a therapist three times a week, and I almost got to the point of taking off my face paint,” said Tom Shifflet, a Juggalo in the early steps of recovery. “I just want to be normal and mentally sound again, but instead I spend my days listening to ‘Miracles’ and acting like it’s profound. I realize that no sane person would think that Shaggy 2 Dope is a cool name, but I do, and I’m tired of it. Mr. Trump, if you can hear me, please do not cut this program, I just want to listen to Neil Young again.”
The money allotted to mental health for clown posses is not only used to fix current Juggalos, but to prevent further people from falling into Juggalohood.
“If these cuts go through, we will see thousands more start buying face paint,” explained psychiatrist and Juggalo expert Dr. Erica von Neumann. “The Dark Carnival is an alluring concept, and it will pull in more Americans than ever. I’ve had multiple patients who I’ve been able to talk out of attending the Gathering of the Juggalos and have now moved on to living relatively normal and fulfilling lives. Without this money, I’m afraid that they will be permanently lost.”
At press time, Trump reversed course on the cuts after a “very productive meeting” with Violent J.