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Trick-or-Treaters at Fat Mike’s House Given Unsold Copies of “The Decline”

LAS VEGAS — Local trick-or-treaters at Fat Mike’s house were sadly let down after receiving copies of NOFX’s release “The Decline” in lieu of candy, disappointed and fairly bored sources confirmed.

“We really like to dig in on spooky season here and give these kids a great time. But I’ve had copies of this one-song EP rotting in the basement since ‘99 and I want that shit gone. Goodwill wouldn’t take them, so this was the next best option,” explained Fat Mike, who was at the time preemptively putting unsold Me First and Gimme Gimmes albums into Christmas stockings. “I’ve had to convince several kids to just take the CD and get the hell off my porch already. Many of them looked confused like they hadn’t seen a compact disc before. But I assured them there were no razor blades in them, if that’s what they were concerned about.”

Local child Jeffrey Monoman detailed his receipt of “The Decline,” which he described as “the most ghastly affront he was ever spooked-out by.”

“Mike is usually great. There’s always spare porn in the dumpster to sell to Mormon high schoolers. But this bullshit? Fuck you, fatass,” stated Monoman while waving his unwanted copy of “The Decline” above his pumpkin-shaped candy bucket. “I came here for two reasons: a sugar fix, and egg this guy’s house afterwards. All that was fulfilled by this handout was the latter part. At least this wasn’t as bad as the guy who handed out Smarties.”

A Halloween ghost and eternal entity gave their perspective on this paltry attempt to honor the holiday.

“This is not what Halloween is all about,” began the spirit. “This pawn off of bunk albums is a disgrace to this entire holiday. It’s supposed to be about giving everyone what they want, like full-sized candy bars, not that fun-size bullshit. I didn’t die to live to haunt this holiday for a billion years to have to listen to these musicians hand out unsold copies of their failed experimental work. I’m 900 years old and that piece of shit EP was the longest 18 minutes of my eternity.”

At press time, trick-or-treaters were further disenchanted after receiving spoken word albums from Henry Rollins on Halloween.