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Touring 74-Piece Symphony Orchestra Looking for Place to Crash Tonight

HARTFORD, Conn. — The world-renowned Smithson Symphony Orchestra asked their audience at the Hartford Opera House last night if anyone could offer them a place to stay for the evening following their rousing performance of Antonin Dvorak’s Symphony No. 9 in E Minor, witnesses confirmed.

“We mostly just need a place to sleep and park our vans,” said conductor Philip D. Bartofsky, addressing the crowd. “You won’t even know we’re there; we are all totally chill. If you have some floor space, or a few dozen couches for us, that would be great.”

The distinguished musicians allegedly pointed out that while they cannot offer any money to their would-be hosts, they can provide them with free merch and some of their leftover drink tickets — good for one glass of champagne, or a pour of 18-year-old Macallan scotch.

“The venue took 15 percent of our merch sales, and we’ve gotta save enough gas money to get to New Hampshire tomorrow,” said Bartofsky. “We would all totally be down to buy you some food or something on the way back to your place, though.”

As the audience filtered out and quietly debated amongst themselves, first-chair musicians tried to sweeten the deal by offering bonuses like free bassoon lessons, autographed copies of sheet music, and an opportunity to ask unlimited questions about Beethoven’s Symphony No. 10.

Complicating their chances, however, some orchestra members did have notable restrictions.

“I’m really allergic to cats, so anyone with a cat is a hard pass,” said third cellist Gayle Hernandez. “Our timpanist makes some bomb-ass eggs, though, if anybody wants some in the morning.”

Unfortunately, one of their most promising leads, courtesy of a sympathetic and prominent aristocrat, was ultimately denied.

“I called home to see if my butler would prepare quarters for nearly 100 people, and he was a little hesitant,” said Hartford socialite Edwina Caruthers. “The final nail came when my son, who is home from Yale Law School, told me he didn’t want to ‘…hear a bunch of nerds play the harpsichord all night,’ so, unfortunately, I couldn’t help.”

As their final plea, the musicians noted that if anyone can help them out, they can certainly repay the favor, should their host ever find themselves in any of the 29 countries represented by the diverse, eminent ensemble.