20. Coheed and Cambria
Coheed has song titles like “The Willing Well III: Apollo II: The Telling Truth” and “In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3.” I don’t know what any of that means and I’m scared to look it up. On the other hand, “Long Live the Party” is a lot more accessible.
19. Maroon 5
I don’t want to look at Adam Levine’s bare torso or tattoos anymore. All I want to see on stage is a white t-shirt, white pants, and a pair of old Nikes on a guy who always looks mildly damp.
18. Sonic Youth
There’s no doubt Sonic Youth is legendary. But were they good? That would be a whole lot easier to answer if it was Andrew W.K. singing alongside Kim Gordon.
17. Primus
I can never quite follow what the fuck Les Claypool is ever singing about. From what I gather it’s usually something about tweaker beavers fishing the seas of mud. Not a single normal song promoting the benefits of partying or anything.
16. NOFX
Fat Mike kind of seems like a dick in person. Andrew on the other hand seems like he’d give me the stained shirt off his back. The meet-and-greets would be much more bang for my buck.
15. Weezer
Every Weezer fan will tell you that the band has gotten worse with age. I’m pretty sure some of the members even said that. Fortunately, Andrew could put on a pair of black frame glasses and right that sinking ship.
14. Black Flag
Black Flag has already had dozens of lead singers. Maybe Andrew W.K. would be the one that sticks. This band needs continuity in order to make an impact.
13. Radiohead
No one likes when I put on “Kid A” during a party. In fact, I lose aux cord privileges almost immediately thereafter. If only they had a more party-friendly singer.
12. Red Hot Chili Peppers
The Chili Peppers have too many songs about California and not enough that make me want to crush beers nationwide.
11. Insane Clown Posse
If Andrew fronted ICP, I’d be far more inclined to paint my face like a clown, consume gallons of Monster Energy, and attend a Gathering of the Juggalos event. I might even start saying “whoop whoop.” What have I become?
10. Brand New
Brand New was canceled, but I want to listen to them again. The most controversial thing Andrew W.K. has ever done is wear white after Labor Day.
9. Explosions in the Sky
This band doesn’t have a singer at all, so pretty much anyone with a microphone would improve the listening experience.
8. Steely Dan
The Dan has had quite a resurgence among Millennials, and I really want to join the fun but simply cannot get behind anything Boomers approve. Andrew W.K. is the only thing that could make them appealing otherwise.
7. Creed
Creed has big “let’s go to church on a Saturday” energy. When I’m blasting “With Arms Wide Open” I don’t want to be thinking about Jesus. I want to think about crushing this keg stand I’m about to do.
6. Vampire Weekend
Vampire Weekend has too much of an “Upper East Side charcuterie board dinner party” aesthetic and not enough “party in your buddy Phil’s backyard” flair.
5. Neutral Milk Hotel
If Andrew W.K. took over as vocalist, we could all stop pretending to like Neutral Milk Hotel and start sincerely enjoying them.
4. The Wiggles
Check out some of the Wiggles song titles: “If You’re Happy and You Know It,” “Shaky Shaky,” and “Romp Bomp a Stomp.” These are basically Andrew W.K. song titles. It’d be a very smooth transition.
3. Tool
James Maynard Keegan seems like he takes everything extremely seriously. I’m not too sure he’s ever experienced joy or even been invited to a party for that matter. Poor guy.
2. Glassjaw
Musically, Glassjaw is very exciting. But then all of a sudden they start singing about harming women and promoting misogyny. Not a single song about throwing a pizza party or anything. Such a shame.
1. Earth Crisis
For some reason, straight edge bands never write any songs about partying, something this genre is severely lacking.