15. Knives Out (2001)
“Amnesiac” is like the B-sides counterpart to “Kid A.” The songs are still vibrantly depressing and only embolden intrusive thoughts, but “Knives Out” could single-handedly make Kidz Bop go the way of Jock Jams compilations.
14. Let Down (1997)
You need to have a master’s degree in Russian philosophy or a Ph.D. in ancient Mesopotamian poetry in order to comprehend the complexity of Radiohead. Unfortunately, kids today have an education level of a fourth grader so they can’t be trusted with such material.
13. Anyone Can Play Guitar (1993)
The song title for this one actually has a positive message, so it might stave off Chapter 9 for the time being. But sooner or later everyone who attempts to recreate Radiohead files for bankruptcy. Just see Alex Jones. Sure, he never covered them nor does he appear to have any musical talent whatsoever, but even kids know he’s a piece of shit. And he’s not even a Radiohead fan.
12. Fitter Happier (1997)
This one can barely be categorized as a song, so there’s just no way Kidz Bop can make a robotic Thom Yorke likable to elementary school children. They don’t perform miracles.
11. Lotus Flower (2011)
There’s just nothing about Radiohead that can be marketed to children. Even a new Disney character that’s just Thom Yorke in a bowler hat doing interpretative dance moves won’t sell any merchandise, which is what art is all about.
10. Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors (2001)
“Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors” will mainly confuse the children. It sounds like how AI would write a song if you only instructed it to watch video footage of a colonoscopy. Even the vocals sound like they were programmed by the lab technician.
9. No Surprises (1997)
If you’ve ever wondered what Thom’s head would look like submerged under water in a fish bowl, this music video is for you. Luckily, Kidz Bop doesn’t cover music videos or else we’d have a bunch of drowning children on our hands.
8. Jigsaw Falling Into Place (2007)
Oh, when McDonald’s uses child labor to flip burgers it’s a human rights violation, but when Kidz Bop does it to make kids sing popular songs written by other musicians, it’s a profitable business for over two decades. The Department of Labor should be all over this one.
7. Everything In Its Right Place (2000)
Maybe it’s the line “Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon.” Or maybe it’s the alienating synth that inspires listeners to not text back their friends for three days. Or maybe it’s Thom’s voice that sounds like a lonely cat that just vomited on the carpet. Whatever it is, not even the adults should be covering this one. Leave this one to the professionals.
6. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi (2007)
You try selling a song title with “Weird Fishes” and whatever “Arpeggi” means to the under age 10 target demographic. It just cannot compete with the likes of “Wheels on the Bus.”
5. Daydreaming (2016)
Many Radiohead fans are considered insufferable and the people that call them that can be just as insufferable. This is the kind of alternative music civil war that kid-friendly franchises should stay far away from.
4. Pyramid Song (2001)
There’s a reason we don’t allow children to sing karaoke. We don’t even want them accidentally performing a rendition of Radiohead. Too risky.
3. How to Disappear Completely (2000)
Kids seem to prefer Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus to Radiohead. We haven’t figured out exactly why yet, but it’s probably because songs that inspire the listener to disappear will only make your depression say “hell yeah.”
2. Fake Plastic Trees (1995)
Kidz Bop has covered the likes of Blink-182, Linkin Park, and Creed, but there’s just something about Thom Yorke’s voice that cannot be replicated by a 10-year-old named Harrison, despite Thom being the same height and weight as a fifth grader.
1. Creep (1993)
Children’s songs are all about feeling special. So fucking special. However, this track is about feeling like a weirdo outcast. If Kidz Bop ever did a spin-off called “Mid 30-Year-Oldz Bop,” this one would absolutely crush.
Listen to the playlist:
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