15. “The Carpenter and the Dainty Bride” (2002)
This is like the fourth or fifth blind date in a row that didn’t respond positively to Primus. What’s next? They won’t so much as bob their head to Butthole Surfers? It’s like no one has hyper-refined music palates anymore.
14. “Lee Van Cleef” (2011)
Around 30 seconds after you start playing your date any Primus song they will pretend like they have a migraine and want to leave. But don’t be fooled. This is a sign that they’re into you and the date is going well. Headaches are just side effects of a good time. This is from experience.
13. “American Life” (1991)
Probably not a good idea to do an air bass to whatever it is Les is doing in this track, and then tell your date that you could totally win one of those air guitar tournaments if only they allowed air bassists. Your date will agree, but only because they want to get out of this situation as quickly as possible.
12. “Nature Boy” (1993)
Hard to say what you did wrong tonight. You talked about yourself as much as possible, tucked your napkin into your shirt’s neck hole at dinner to appear dapper, and played them some songs from an album with a giant Play-Doh swine that appears to be submerged in a carbonated beverage on the cover. Sounds like a perfect gentleman, really.
11. “The Toys Go Winding Down” (1990)
Lyrically speaking, Primus has an extreme reverence for the nonsensical. Your date clearly does not. It’s like they just want to hear music with lyrics that have a coherent and easy-to-follow message. Major red flag.
10. “Shake Hands With Beef” (1997)
“Shake Hands With Beef” could be a reference to many things, including masturbation. If you’re going to play your blind date a song about jerking off, at least choose one of the 10,000 other, more listener-friendly songs about it.
9. “Tommy the Cat” (1991)
Tom Waits actually provides the voice of a feral cat named Thomas in this one. It is imperative that you wow your date with this wisdom, or else they won’t know how cool you are with all this Primus-related information.
8. “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver” (1995)
Typically, an accompanying music video to a track is just what someone needs to fully enjoy a song. Unfortunately, this video features the band dressed in rubbery plastic cowboy outfits. Not the best move to show your date the YouTube footage of it, followed by the behind the scenes clips of it, and then of course the live version they did on David Letterman where they all dressed up as penguins for the performance.
7. “DMV” (1993)
Sometimes Les plays bass like he has six or seven fingers on each hand, so it’s almost as if he’s AI-generated. This is the part of the date where you bring up that Les has some Terminator-like qualities to his musical abilities. This will not go over well since they have not seen that movie. Can’t catch a break.
6. “John the Fisherman” (1990)
This is the part of the playlist when you think you will be blowing your date’s mind by explaining to them that Les Claypool plays bass and sings simultaneously. This is when your date will become afraid. Like, how did you install child-proof locks in the front passenger seat of your car? Well, the steady barrage of Primus doesn’t stop until you say it does.
5. “Mr. Krinkle” (1993)
“Mr. Krinkle” heavily features an upright bass, which means it’s elegant and probably classifies the song as jazz. However, reciting the Wikipedia entry’s history of jazz to confirm the track categorically aligns seemed like a good idea at the time, but in hindsight you should probably just die. No one will ever love you.
4. “To Defy the Laws of Tradition” (1990)
This six and a half minute track starts off with the opening cymbal thing from a Rush song. The only thing your date wants to hear less than Primus right now is a brief tribute to Neil Peart in percussion form.
3. “Jerry Was a Race Car Driver” (1991)
You would think one of Primus’ most popular songs would be able to right this sinking date ship, but unfortunately it’s more like that famous iceberg that single-handedly took down the Titanic. Primus has much in common with massive sea vessel-destroying glacier chunks.
2. “My Name Is Mud” (1993)
Somehow Les Claypool was able to make his bass sound like a heaping pile of wet dirt after a rainstorm in this track. This is part of the genius of Les and showcases your severe inability to read the room on a first date. Maybe try songs with normal bass sounds if you ever want to get to second base. Or first base for that matter.
1. “Too Many Puppies” (1990)
Perhaps surprisingly, “Too Many Puppies” is about how there are too many young soldiers being shipped off to war. After a steady dose of playing your date songs about tweakers and mud, this message will go in one ear and out the other. Plus, real-life puppies are too cuddly to have too many of. Choose metaphors society can actually get behind, Les.
Listen to the full playlist and impress your next date:
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