Going on a first date can be rough. Going on a blind first date can be rougher. But going on a blind first date as a Primus fan can be absolutely brutal. Unfortunately, to weed out potential mates, you must present them with several Les Claypool bass licks first and foremost to see if they pass your arbitrary test for a romantic endeavor. This is why we’ve ranked the top 30 Primus songs that will make your blind date wish they had never been conceived by their parents. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
30. “Lacquer Head” (1999)
Playing “Lacquer Head” in its entirety is just going to make your date wish you had normal red flags, like the proclivity to gaslight or leave a bad tip after a meal. At this point, even toxic masculinity sounds refreshing. Anything but more thumpity and dirty bass sounds.
29. “The Scheme” (2017)
Nothing will give your date “the ick” faster than 2017-era Primus. This record is actually a concept album about a children’s book called “The Rainbow Goblins” that Les used to read to his kids. No one knows what to do with that information, especially your blind date.
28. “Pudding Time” (1990)
You took your blind date to the nicest combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell in town, and that still wasn’t enough to impress. Perhaps a song called “Pudding Time” will turn things around. Besides, you didn’t have enough money to buy your date those sweet cinnamon sticks anyway, but this is close enough.
27. “Bob’s Party Time Lounge” (1997)
Was it the line “been erect here now for 13 days?” specifically that made your date immediately check their phone for the next several minutes? Hard to tell for sure where you lost them.
26. “Those Damned Blue-Collar Tweekers” (1991)
This is one of only four or five Primus tracks where the guitar kicks off the song, which in theory makes it more approachable to the normies. It must be stressed though that this is “in theory.”
25. “Mary the Ice Cube” (2002)
At some point your date is just going to come out and say it: “Primus sucks.” But when you subsequently agree with that sentiment, it will only confuse the hell out of them. This is where you begin chanting “Primus sucks, Primus sucks.” Great, now you just look like a psychopath.
24. “Pure Imagination” (2014)
Putting on this song will just about ruin “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” for them, not to mention your chances at a second date and your friendship with the person who set you up on this date in the first place, and most importantly your ability to come back to the restaurant because you played this one over their PA and now you’re banned from three different Outback Steakhouse locations.
23. “The Air Is Getting Slippery” (1993)
Your date never once specified that they didn’t enjoy the sound of banjos. This one is more on them. Not you.
22. “Southbound Pachyderm” (1995)
If asking your date to split the check at dinner wasn’t enough to turn them off, certainly anything off “Tales From the Punchbowl” will put them over the edge. Plus, this will make your date wish they had never been born so much that they will begin to resent their otherwise loving parents for bringing them into this cruel, Primus-sympathizing world.
21. “Welcome To This World” (1993)
And to think, you actually dressed up for this date in your finest “Pork Soda” album cover t-shirt only for the person to suddenly “feel sick” during the Primus marathon portion of the evening. You just can’t seem to win.
20. “South Park Theme” (1997)
Nothing will turn off a first date quicker than playing them a theme song from a Comedy Central cartoon, even if Primus wrote and performed it. Only thing worse is playing them the “Malcolm in the Middle” theme song by They Might Be Giants. Actually, that might be equivalent.
19. “Here Come the Bastards” (1991)
Try to put yourself in your date’s shoes for just a minute here. You’re playing them music they’ve never even thought to seek out while you’re trying to get them to know you. A little slice of “Sailing the Seas of Cheese” should do the trick. Actually, on paper, this should work.
18. “Kalamazoo” (1997)
Dates are kind of like interviews, in that you really have to show that you are the right person for the job or at least that you’re qualified to make out a little at the end. Unfortunately, in both instances, you’ve played Primus to break the ice, which is poor etiquette. Wait until you’re hired or are exclusive before playing anything from the “Brown Album.”
17. “Professor Nutbutter’s House of Treats” (1995)
Hey, it’s not your fault your date has never heard of Primus before. This is going to be a teachable moment one or another. I promise you, your date will never forget Primus after this date. Or you. Just not in the way you were hoping for.
16. “Pork Soda” (1993)
This is technically a song, but the almost violent auditory assault will likely make your date put their fingers in their ears to avoid having to acknowledge the existence of the questionable instrumental arrangement. This probably doesn’t mean you’re getting a second date. So close though.
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