LOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage all four men in the band for a day, penniless sources confirmed.
“Yeah, we just wanted to give something back to our fans by allowing them to work the kinks out of our shoulders and massage our soft tissue areas,” said singer Maynard James Keenan as he finished tracking vocals on a demo for his primary project, Puscifer. “That’s right. Whoever buys this will definitely ascend, open their third eye, and become pneuma. Don’t worry, we’ll provide the massage table and oils. And hey, if you can’t afford this package, we also offer the ‘Lateralus Silver’ experience where fans can crack our backs after a set.”
Longtime fan B.J. Sampson could not be more excited, despite the fact that the experience does not include airfare, lodging, transportation, or anything else.
“Fuck yeah!” Sampson exclaimed as he used an electric toothbrush to dust off one of his several Tool posters. “I know they had it priced at $10,000, just like their supremely underrated album ‘10,000 Days.’ That was a lot for me, but totally worth it to drain the two college funds I had started for Jimmy and Hofmann, and sell my 2001 Pontiac Sunfire. Not to mention, a couple of family heirlooms. I can’t wait to get my hands all over their drummer to see if he really has eight limbs, like the octopus he is on the skins!”
Gene Simmons, Kiss bassist and perhaps music’s greatest con man, expressed his support for Tool and their offering of the “Lateralus Gold” package.
“Tool are a spectacular band, but an even more spectacular brand,” Simmons declared. “I see they’re rising to Kiss Kasket levels of profit. That ‘Tool In the Sand’ gimmick they just did was a nice start, but this is a different echelon. I wonder what they’ll do next. A Black & Decker Toolbox collaboration? A cruise? A ‘fetus in skull’ maquette? Oh wait, they already did that one.”
At press time, Tool guitarist Adam Jones was instructing Sampson to work his back in a rhythm corresponding to the Fibonacci sequence.