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The Chicks Go For Broke On New Single “Murder All Cops and Hail Satan”

DALLAS — Acclaimed country-pop band The Chicks shocked fans with the release of their new single, a eight-minute-long, thrash influenced song in which they encourage listeners to “kill shitass cops” and “make a blood pact with the dark lord,” twangy sources confirmed.

“We’ve really had enough with this controlling, right-wing bullshit. If seemingly uncontroversial shit, like criticizing a president or not wanting your band name associated with the antebellum south, is enough to rile up these bootlickers then this track is gonna melt their puny brains,” said Emily Strayer, a Chick. “At a certain point you just gotta take a stand, so we want to let the world know that all blue lives deserve to have their motherfucking dicks shot off. Fuck cops! Hail Satan! Burn this whole fucking dogshit system down.”

Longtime Chicks fan Erlin Myron expressed displeasure and unfocused rage regarding the new single.

“Those chicks have gone too far this time. This is a slap in the face to dixie fans everywhere. I made the mistake of requesting this song at my nephews wedding and now my entire family thinks I’m a dang liberal,” exclaimed Myron while wearing a shirt depicting disgraced former president Donald Trump as some sort of Christ-like Rambo. “Those dang chicks are gonna end up going to H-E-double-hockey-sticks for this blasphemy. All those hurtful things they said about our brave law enforcement officers – who do they think it is that risks their lives every day to keep them safe? The Devil? I don’t think so my friend.”

Lucifer, the bringer of light and lord of the underground, shared his thoughts on The Chicks and their new single.

“You know, I thought it was pretty okay. Typically I listen to all music other than hip hop and country, but this was a good change of pace,” said Satan of the song, which instructs listeners to ‘get down on all fours and give your ass to the Antichrist.’ “Really it was refreshing. I get so many of these gloomy metal bands writing songs for me that they all just kinda blend together. But three nice ladies from The Lone Star State actually taking the time to include me in their ‘cop death’ song – well I’ll be honest I’m just tickled up and down about that. The Chicks are a-o-k in Satan’s book!”

At press time, The Chicks were preparing to head out on the road for their newly titled “The Patriarchy Can Suck All of Our Massive Clits Tour.”

Photo by JD Lasica.