MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — A new study revealed that the average millennial has heard the intro to the Minutemen’s classic “Corona” around 25,000 times by the time they reach the age of 40, researchers confirmed.
“We’re well aware of the popularity of ‘Jackass’ which used ‘Corona’ as its theme, but we were shocked at the sheer number of times it has been heard,” stated lead researcher Dr. Thaddeus Keane, professor of millennial psychology and neuroses at West Virginia University. “This necessitates follow-up studies, like seeing if there is any Pavlovian response. For instance, do millennials feel some sort of phantom pain in their ballsacks upon hearing that nostalgic, yet invigorating guitar lick? And to think, my dad said a psychology degree was worthless!”
Millennials who participated in the study questioned the ethics of the researchers’ processes.
“I didn’t even know there was a vocal part to the song—I always thought it was just some stock royalty-free music snippet they used,” said 34-year-old Sheena Thompson, who admits to owning the entire “Viva La Bam” series on DVD. “I like ‘80s punk as much as the next girl, but this song ain’t for me. Hearing the rest of the track has forever tarnished the purity of the ‘Jackass’ intro. I don’t like change, ok? First they swapped Aunt Viv on ‘Fresh Prince,’ and now this! Millennials can never catch a break.”
Mike Watt, bassist of the Minutemen and many groups since, described his complicated relationship with the song “Corona.”
“It’s weird; hearing that song makes me think of my younger years and of course D. Boon, but my fans think of getting hit in the nuts with a 2×4 or vomiting after drinking elephant piss,” said Watt, who recently celebrated starting his 1,000th new band. “I guess it’s cool that ‘Jackass’ exposed our music to such a wide audience, but I don’t think many of those viewers followed up and bought a record or came to a show. But those motherfucking H.I.M. albums flew off the shelves! Fuck off.”
In a related observation, the researchers noticed that subjects were much more likely to violently manhandle a shopping cart after hearing the first few seconds of CKY’s “96 Quite Bitter Beings.”