WASHINGTON – Local singer Riley Wambach briefly celebrated hitting one million Spotify streams before being summoned back to the frozen food section of the grocery store where she’s been employed for 10 years, according to nearby sources purchasing suspicious amounts of Reddi-wip canisters.
“I’m fucking rich, y’all!” sobbed Wambach as she fell to her knees in an act of unbridled joy. “I’ve busted my ass for so long in the music business that I started to think it was never going to happen. And now by the grace of almighty God I’ll finally be able to quit this shitty store job and live the life I’ve always been destined to, right after I finish stocking the nearly empty ice cream section I’ve been neglecting for days. Then I can decide whether to buy the red Lambo or the yellow one. Hashtag RichPeoplesProblems!”
Fiesta Market & Deli store manager Tom Poblano believed his employee’s celebration was premature.
“Ms. Bigshot can celebrate later, right now I need her to clean up some soggy tilapia that went rank after one of the freezers seized up,” stated the clipboard-wielding boss. “I don’t have the heart to tell her that Spotify doesn’t pay shit and that she’ll still need this job to survive, just like all the other musicians who work here. Maybe I’ll give her a few minutes after she cleans that up before I point out that a service animal just took a nasty dump in front of the Bagel Bites and Hot Pockets section.”
Music expert Tracy Graham explained that streaming services don’t compensate artists enough.
“Many people mistakenly believe they’ll get rich quick by having songs on digital platforms,” explained Graham. “Just because these sites have revolutionized the way fans listen to music doesn’t mean musicians are getting their fair share. Most of them still need to keep hustling with side jobs or continue living with their parents because if there’s one thing that won’t change with the music industry regardless of new technology, it’s the capacity to fuck over hard-working creators. Those leeches are very resilient.”
At press time, Wambach was seen frantically calling her bank to question where the rest of her “fuck you” Spotify residual money was.