NEW YORK — Local metalhead Noel Donner is feeling nervous about the longevity of his relationship after finding the Peter Steele issue of Playgirl hidden underneath his girlfriend’s mattress, multiple sources confirmed.
“To be honest, this kinda stings. I was under the impression she was into scrawny, balding, bearded guys who are under six feet tall,” said a visibly dejected Donner. “But turns out, I’m the complete opposite of her type. I didn’t suspect she was really into dudes who look as if they were chiseled from stone and obnoxiously dripping sex appeal. If this is what she’s envisioning every time she closes her eyes during sex, it’s only a matter of time before it’s all over for me.”
Since the incident, Donner began wearing nail polish and combat boots in what his girlfriend Debbie Collins claims to be a “desperate effort.”
“I think this really hit him right in the confidence,” explained an exasperated Collins. “It certainly didn’t help when I told him it was hung on the ceiling over my bed before we met. He also didn’t seem to appreciate the lipstick stains near Peter’s crotch, he even stopped counting them. I also really hope he never jokingly asks me if I’ve named my vibrator, because the answer would just destroy him. Regardless, I’m really hoping he gets over this soon, because fishnet shirts are not a great look for him.”
Metalheads inquiring about surgical procedures to look like the Type O Negative frontman are common, according to plastic surgeon John Peterson.
“In my 30 years of practicing, there’s been a steady line of younger men asking me if I can make them look like Peter Steele. And I’ve only ever had one answer, and that is no,” said Peterson. “I can’t add more vertebrae to your spine to make you taller. No, I can’t extend your shoulders and make them broad as a forklift. And no, I can’t make your voice sound as deep, smooth and rich as his. The technology isn’t there yet. The only recommendation I have is adding more black to your wardrobe, wearing a large dog chain for a guitar strap, and making an effort to exclusively look pissed off. I’m just a surgeon, not a miracle maker. Some art just can’t be replicated.”
At press time, the couple agreed to return the 1995 Playgirl back to where it belongs: on the ceiling above the bed so it’s the first thing they see when they open their eyes in the morning.