SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Guests at a local Halloween party were struck with fear and confusion recently when a light-hearted séance conjured up the very much alive heavy metal legend King Diamond, several corpse paint-wearing sources report.
“We were all having a fun time and then some joker busted out the Ouija board to connect with the afterlife. I figured I’d try to contact my grandma who had passed away a few years back, since I knew her spirit would liven up the place,” partygoer Karen Shelly explained. “Sadly, all we managed to do was summon this guy with a high-pitched voice in facepaint who just kept yelling ‘GRANNDMAAA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!’ It definitely was frightening, especially because he just barged into the front door holding an upside-down crucifix made of bones of some sort. But it wasn’t like, ‘seen a ghost’ frightening. I was more ‘do I call the cops for this dude breaking and entering’ scared. Now I know why that stupid Ouija board was two bucks at Goodwill.”
King Diamond claims that his recent summoning wasn’t just an isolated incident.
“This happens to me like 60 times a year, no lie. I get kids messing around with evil, dark forces they cannot begin to comprehend who zap me into their dorm rooms or whatever out of nowhere, interrupting very important rituals,” Diamond stated. “This group of nogoodniks are just lucky I wasn’t in the middle of my daily frowning practice, or shopping for a new menacing top hat, or else there would’ve been hell to pay. And I mean ‘hell’ not in the good sort of way!”
Metal expert Dwayne Kulas revealed summoning metal musicians is actually quite common.
“Weird stuff happens in metal, for sure. Black metal murders, the existence of the band Enuff Z’nuff, and Celtic Frost’s ‘Cold Lake’ are just a few examples,” Kulas said. “But the weirdest thing for my money is just how many metal musicians can be summoned out of the blue so easily. I mean, you say ‘Ummm’ four times in a mirror and POOF, there’s Lars Ulrich ready to slap you with a cease and desist letter! That’s not only too easy to stumble upon unknowingly, but it’s also just plain scary.”
At press time, Diamond asked to be re-summoned by Shelly in order to pick up his fingerless gloves he accidentally left in her dorm.