LONDON — A group of scientists from the British Institute of Music Technologies released a bombshell report predicting that unless drastic measures are taken, the world will only have 10 more years of new Beatles documentaries.
“We have reached a critical moment in history,” said Dr. Linda Thorne. “Due to egocentric human activities, there’s just enough unused footage to last another decade, barring another Peter Jackson-level event, of course. Thanks to films like ‘Good Ol’ Freda’ which covers the life of Freda Kelly, the secretary of the Beatles Fan Club, nearly every possible angle of the Beatles has been explored. I’m sorry, but the world does not need two films highlighting the Beatles’ journey to India yet ‘Meeting the Beatles in India’ and ‘The Beatles and India’ exist. I just hope God is kind to us on judgment day.”
Ryan Miller, a self-described Beatles super fan, wasn’t surprised by the news.
“I knew from the moment ‘Ringo Starr: One of Them’ was released that we were all doomed and there was no undoing human civilization’s past documentarian mistakes,” said Miller. “The ‘One of Them’ film tries to discuss the life of Ringo yet is only 42 minutes long and even then it felt stretched. The signs have been all around us. How can I bring a kid into this world knowing he’ll never be able to watch a brand-new Beatles documentary? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
Young auteur director Jasper Quinn refuses to believe the planet is in such a dire situation.
“This is the natural ebb and flow of nature,” said Quinn. “Sure, I might be the one to use up all the remaining Beatles footage for my own artistic endeavors but it’s my belief that in 40 to 50 years from now things will return to the way it was. Am I a Beatles documentary change denier? You bet. But that’s only because you can’t believe everything scientists tell you. Do your own research and you’ll find it’s actually the government that controls the Beatles footage. We’ll be fine.”
As of press time, Starr issued a statement offering to provide tour van lodging and green room snacks as payment to any young filmmaker interested in following him during his upcoming tour.