BALTIMORE — Top neuroscientists at Johns Hopkins University developed an innovative procedure that will allow the human brain to offload Matchbox Twenty lyrics in order to make space for new information, confirmed sources.
“Getting to this place in our research is indeed monumental, but it wasn’t an issue of ‘if’ but of ‘when,’” said Dr. Marcy Gellson. “There’s been a growing need for this exact procedure for decades. A huge portion of the Millennial/Gen X populations have only been functioning at 75% brain capacity due to the chorus of ‘3AM.’ It just takes up too much space. It’s sort of like a Raw image on an iPhone. A photograph of a feline licking its anus might not look like much, but it’s crashing your storage availability. Matchbox Twenty songs are like that. We were desperate for a cure, and we got one.”
Sarah Bernabeo, the next patient who will be undergoing the procedure, opened up about her experience deciding to go under the knife.
“I know brain surgery might sound scary, but it just got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore,” said Bernabeo. “I’d be driving my car and ‘Unwell’ would come on and I’d be singing every single word. I can’t remember ever learning all the lyrics, but they’re in there somewhere. And all I could think was all the better things I could be doing with all that space! Think about it: the human mind is an incredible thing! The potential is endless! I don’t want to waste it on a B-level song from 2002. I mean, I could finally learn Bella’s monologue from the end of Eclipse. I’m so excited.”
Lucy Felland, a renowned Sociologist, recently touched on the broader implications of this procedure.
“Widescale use of this procedure could have unimaginable impacts on society,” said Felland. “Conceive of a world in which people ages 30-45 have purpose beyond meme posting. Without ‘Back 2 Good’ running through their minds, it’s possible a large portion of the adult population could find who they are as people and try to contribute to society. Of course, there are no jobs to be had, so there’s no way of knowing where this influx of ready minds will lead. For all we know, your mind could simply replace those ‘Push’ lyrics with the words to ‘Semi-Charmed Life.’ Either way, we’re at a very exciting moment in the history of humanity.”
Scientists are reportedly now looking into whether it’s possible to expand the procedure to include Rob Thomas’ collaboration with Santana and any future releases.