MONTCLAIR, N.J. — Craig Towney, the two-armed drummer for Def Leppard tribute band Sugarpourers, clearly demonstrated that he’s not willing to commit to the bit, sources report.
“I’m really having fun playing in Sugarpourers, but I know that I haven’t taken the steps necessary to embody the core mission of the band,” Towney admitted. “My bandmates are starting to get frustrated with me, because we’ve been playing together for three years and I still haven’t gotten around to cutting off my left arm. I understand why they’re so angry, but have you ever tried amputating yourself? It’s really nerve-racking. Maybe I’ll get lucky and wind up losing it in a car wreck like Def Leppard’s actual drummer so I won’t have to do it myself. Until then, I’m just going to keep avoiding the conversation with them and hopefully they’ll forget about it.”
Rick Allen, the drummer for Def Leppard, was disgusted by Towney’s inaction on the matter.
“This guy isn’t fit to play any of my band’s songs,” Allen said. “And you’re telling me they’ve been covering our tunes for three years? I can’t believe their fans have been putting up with this for that long, not to mention the other members. I know I would immediately walk out of the venue if I saw him playing ‘Photograph’ with both arms. What the fuck is he waiting for, an open invitation to cut it off? He’d better take care of things soon, or they’re going to be receiving a cease and desist letter from our lawyers. We’ll see how lenient the other members of Sugarpourers are after that.”
Music expert Kelly Gershevsky provided her insight on the matter.
“The rock world is full of poser tribute artists who aren’t willing to experience the most notable events of their muses’ lives,” Gershevsky said. “How many guitarists in Black Sabbath cover bands still have intact tips on the middle and pointer fingers of their right hands? Not to mention all the Billy Joel ‘tribute artists’ who have never drunkenly drove their cars into other peoples’ houses. I personally have no patience for these people talking the talk without having the stones to walk the walk. I call on all Def Leppard fans to boycott Sugarpourers until their drummer gathers the gumption to do what needs to be done.”
At press time, Towney had overcompensated by removing both of his arms.
