CLEVELAND — The jumbotron at a local Weezer concert exposed an important tech CEO for being completely alone without a trace of feminine energy or infidelity in sight, unsurprised sources say.
“No, no, no! I swear I’m having an extra-marital affair with a super hot member of the board,” declared Brennon Quincy, CEO of Duolingus, an app for white guys to learn creepy pickup lines in any language. “She just stepped out for a while to, I think, have her period or something? Alright you got me, I came here alone. I haven’t had sex since the Obama administration. Look, not all CEOs can be silver foxes like that Coldplay guy. He’s the exception to the rule. Most of us are assigned to be Weezer fans at birth and don’t have enough charisma to attract women, let alone commit adultery. We’re cursed.”
Other concertgoers seemed less shocked about the CEO’s relationship status.
“I can’t say I’m really surprised,” said Weezer super-fan Darrell Hill, while fascistically moderating a redpill subreddit. “Everybody here showed up to this concert alone. Nobody even carpooled. I’m pretty sure I saw that guy at an incel benefit concert last month, American Football was playing. They were great! Honestly, one of the most impressive things I’ve ever seen sub-6 beta males put together!”
Members of Weezer almost felt bad for the CEO for his lack of cheating skills.
“Our thoughts go out to the guy,” remarked Rivers Cuomo, as he put down the Warhammer figurines he was painting. “I feel extra responsible because we weren’t even supposed to cut to the jumbotron, but we were running low on material after playing through the Blue Album twice, so we had to fill time somehow. Call it wrong place, wrong time, I guess. Hey, do you guys want some free copies of ‘Van Weezer’? We haven’t been able to get rid of them and they’re just taking up space now. I’ve been using stacks of them as makeshift squatty-potties, and I swear my movements have never been better.”
At press time, the tech CEO was seen listening to “Pinkerton” in his car alone in the parking lot of the venue.
