BEDFORD, N.Y. — Matchbox Twenty lead singer and primary songwriter Rob Thomas announced that the United States of America, a divided nation caught in a chaotic and disturbing time period, needs a little of that ol’ Rob Thomas magic, confirmed sources who thought he might actually have a point.
“My fellow Americans,” began Thomas. “Our beautiful country is deeply unwell, to use the poetry of my own 2002 Billboard Hot 100 top five hit. We are alienated from our fellow citizens by extremist politics, the rising threat of global fascism, a disturbing trend toward White Nationalism clothed in the language of religiosity, and subpar modern soft rock hits. Despite this, I truly believe that everybody’s trusting in their heart, and though sometimes you can still lose even if you really try, it’s time for me and maybe a backup band to bring back some of my alternative pop rock magic to heal our fractured collective psyche.”
Matchbox Twenty and solo Thomas fan Devin Stanton was thrilled to hear that the composer of “Long Day” was prepared to do his part to revitalize a country seemingly caught in a never-ending spiral of anxiety and gloom.
“I haven’t felt like this since Rob showed up on ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ with Sinbad,” said Stanton. “The full-throated enthusiasm, the vital energy tinged with melancholy, the universal accessibility of vaguely personal lyricism; that guy from Matchbox Twenty is just the thing this country needs to be made whole again. In fact, I might just go out right now and get some small gold hoop earrings to remind myself of the magic that is the man who wrote ‘Push’ in the mid-90s.”
United States Vice President and prospective Democratic Party nominee Kamala Harris was swift to praise Thomas and his plan to revitalize the country.
“Rob is one of America’s greatest living songwriters,” said Harris. “His songs exist in the context of all in which the U.S. lives, which is to say, the feeling of being 22 and going through kind of a hard breakup. Unlike my opponents in the GOP, I have been a fan of Rob’s since ‘Tabitha’s Secret’ and own a first-edition vinyl of ‘Yourself or Someone Like You.’ I doubt Trump can even name three Rob Thonas songs. That’s why we are known as the party of Matchbox Twenty. We say this to Rob: what can be, unburdened by what has been, is the kind of lovin’ that can be so smooth.”
At press time, Thomas was surrounded by a group of joyful, attractive Americans dancing in the street as Carlos Santana waited by the phone.