TACOMA, Wash. — Local retail employee Brenda Lawson found herself nostalgic for the Christmas music playlist at her workplace after hearing “Hanging By a Moment” by Lifehouse three times in one shift, sources report.
“Yeah, I thought December was bad, but it’s actually been worse since the holiday season ended,” Lawson sighed. “I’m missing the Christmas songs at this point, as even hearing ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ by Mariah Carey and ‘Happy Christmas (War Is Over)’ by John Lennon on repeat is preferable to this. What sadist curates these playlists, anyway? Everybody knows the late 90s/early 2000s were essentially the Dark Ages of popular music. Hell, I’d even take ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ over this, and that’s saying a lot.”
Lawson’s manager Carly Garza admitted to having created the playlist that had her employees so distressed.
“I thought I’d give my team a little treat for doing such a great job over the holiday season,” Garza said. “I know it’s not easy having to balance the increased December workload with the constant demands from panicked customers doing their last-minute shopping, but they really nailed it. I’m not entirely sure what people are listening to these days, but I figured my custom playlist from college with hits from Hoobastank, Daughtry, Train and Lifehouse would boost morale around here. I know I personally completed the payroll in record time because I was so pepped up. I certainly trust the music is having a similar effect out on the floor.”
Psychologist George Tadesse could relate to Lawson’s situation.
“We’re all well aware of how dreadful holiday music can be for retail workers, but we tend to forget how bad the music is during the other 11 months of the year,” Tadesse provided. “I’ve done several case studies on the mental degradation associated with hearing ‘Slide’ by the Goo Goo Dolls on repeat while stocking shelves and directing inept customers to departments that are in plain sight, and don’t even get me started on the damage caused by that Rob Thomas/Santana song. I don’t want to advise the CIA on the best way to torture people, but they could certainly gather ideas for their next playlist simply by touring any department store in February.”
At press time, Lawson was seen demanding Garza put the holiday playlist back on after “Hanging By a Moment” was immediately followed by Tonic’s “If You Could Only See” for the fourth time today.