TORONTO — The University of Toronto announced a breakthrough study that showed playing Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” resulted in women suddenly gaining Hulk-like strength and speed, researchers have confirmed.
“We were testing the correlation between music and dopamine activity, and which songs motivated subjects the best while doing physical activity. Well, it turns out playing ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman’ for the female participants immediately gave all of them the ability to lift objects 10 times their body weight and effortlessly move through solid walls as if they were the Incredible Hulk. Or She-Hulk for that matter. Either way I peed my pants,” said lead researcher Miles Stevens. “There’ve been many songs focusing on female empowerment in the study but none elicited goddamn superhero powers. I’m not sure what to do with these results at the moment, other than using these findings to harness infinite energy or training sleeper agents for the military.”
Participants in the study were just as surprised by their capacity to summon superhero strength.
“I’m not even into ‘90s pop country, but hearing the words ‘let’s go girls’ triggered some MK Ultra shit within me and the next thing I knew I’d torn apart a metal table with my teeth and ripped the coordinator’s spine out and used it like a karaoke microphone,” said Sarah Wells. “I want to hug all my girlfriends and crush the skill of the next guy who ‘accidentally’ touches my ass at the bar. I just came here for the $50 they were offering, but I left with this sense of boundless power.”
Experts within the musicology field were not surprised by the findings.
“We usually bankroll these studies conducted to find the ideal music to play in retail stores to motivate shoppers to buy more crap they don’t need. But yeah, every once in a while there’s an incident where a song unlocks some deep-seated animalistic instinct that makes people go ballistic. Remember Limp Bizkit at Woodstock ‘99?” said Dr. Frank Longfellow. “With this study, researchers didn’t factor in how much North American women are subjected to misogyny on a daily basis, which would explain the explosive display of female empowerment and the capability to fold an SUV in half.”
As of press time, the project was put on hold indefinitely after the song accidentally played twice, causing all women participants to decimate the campus along with 12 city blocks.