MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — A chaotic brawl broke out at this weekend’s River Rage Rampage music festival, when fans of popular jam band Phish clashed with followers of ska band Reel Big Fish, amused witnesses confirmed.
Security footage showed hundreds of Phish fans and dozens of Reel Big Fish fans tightly corralled into the Refreshment Zone, where fans could potentially win a Vitamin Water bottle opener.
“Linguistically, I’m still not sure if they were asking for really dedicated Phish fans to gather at the Refreshment Zone, or if they wanted Reel Big Fish fans to show up,” said fried dough vendor Gabbie Florian. “The whole thing was a bit confusing… but once the two groups collided, you knew it was going to be a bloodbath of pork pies and hacky sacks.”
Phisheads allegedly disoriented their counterparts with “chemical weapons,” deploying canisters of nitrous oxide and “stink bombs” made of their balled up T-shirts.
“Us in the Reel Big Fish crowd were definitely outnumbered, but we held our own,” said ska enthusiast Ty Calloway. “We used our wallet chains to defend ourselves, and cranked down some Mike’s Hard Lemonade so we could use the bottles as weapons. Yeah, some of the Phish fans used their bootlegging equipment as shields, but I think we got the best of them.”
Meanwhile, festival officials insisted that no glass bottles were sold at the concession stand, and the contraband must have been snuck in.
“We don’t even serve Mike’s Hard Lemonade,” River Rage Rampage promoter Geoff Stanski said. “Nor were we giving away DVD copies of BASEketball, which were being hurled around like ninja stars.”
Ultimately, the violence and overall confusion only intensified when another band, local Phish tribute band Real Big Phish, arrived to pummel all parties involved.
“All the members of Real Big Phish are, like, 7 feet tall and totally pissed off,” Stanski said. “I would’ve paid them a bit more had I known they were going to clear up the whole fight situation so quickly.”