LOS ANGELES — Alleged pedophile and formerly popular rapper Drake hopes a friend can get him hired at Trader Joe’s until the fallout of his highly publicized beef with Kendrick Lamar blows over, report the last remaining sources from within the Drake camp.
“People are gonna forget about this whole thing by winter, it’s no big deal. I figure I can just pick up a few shifts and get health insurance until I release my next album,” said Drake, who has been rumored to have asked Vanilla Ice for a feature or two. “I got a friend from back in my Degrassi era who works there and it looks pretty fun according to his Insta. I’m sure he’ll text me back any day now and I’ll shoot over a resume, which is just a photo of my awards. Oh, man. Should I change that and make a real one?”
An employee at a Los Angeles Trader Joe’s offered advice on aspiring actors and musicians who attempt to bolster their financial situation until they “make it.”
“I’ve seen it a million times–some hotshot comes in and thinks they are just gonna work for the summer until they get a record deal. Then suddenly four years pass before the blink of an eye,” recounted Renee Kaine, longtime manager of the Sunset Strip Trader Joe’s and its in-house polycule. “I don’t know who this Drake guy is, but I hope he’s ready to stock some shelves. I put my employees to work! And I swear if he tries to get any customers to check out his SoundCloud, his ass is kicked to the curb.”
Fellow rappers expressed sympathy and consolation for Drake’s difficult situation.
“I let him sleep on my couch for two nights, but he thought it was turning into a long-term thing so I had to kick him the fuck out,” said Future, who is suing Drake for being the weak link on their collaboration “What a Time to Be Alive.” “I took pity on him at first, but at a certain point you gotta take a long look in the mirror, take an unsafe dosage of percocet, and turn things around yourself. Jumpman, jumpman, jumpman, get a job or something.”
At press time, reports indicate that someone strongly resembling Drake was seen passing out CD-R mixtapes near the Santa Monica pier.