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Punk Who Wears Too Little Clothing in Winter Excited to Now Wear Too Much In Summer

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Bobby Anderson, who spent the winter underdressed, is excited to spend the summer wearing way more clothes than anyone would deem necessary, sources close to the sweaty man confirmed.

“It’s not like I don’t wear warm clothes in the winter. My pants have holes in them, but I’m not gonna support the fast fashion industry by buying more plastic garbage. And my vest is mostly patches so it’s like, thick, you know? I’m not an idiot,” said Anderson while layering a leather jacket over a vest and longsleeve shirt on an 89-degree day. “I’ll be honest, there really is no difference between my winter gear and my summer gear anyway. I only have like 10 pieces of clothes and the closest they get to being clean is when it rains really hard. Besides, the problem is global warming. I’m not gonna adapt to this apocalypse. Me getting too hot this summer is like a protest.”

Rochelle Anderson, Bobby’s sister, is not looking forward to another summer in close proximity to her sibling.

“He doesn’t have a car so I’ll give him rides to our parents’ house for holidays and dinners and all winter long he jumps in and says ‘F*** it’s cold’ and will, like, hit the dashboard as if that’ll make the heater work better,” said the older sister. “Then in the summer it’s the same thing and he’s like ‘F*** it’s hot’ and then rolls down the window even though the air conditioner is on, but now he stinks like the dumpster behind Red Lobster and his sweat soaks into my car seat and I have to pay a detailer to get it cleaned.”

Emergency room nurse Laura Synder says there is an uptick in dehydration and heat stroke among the punk-rock community disproportional to the general population every summer.

“The first heat wave is like punk spring break and these kids come rolling in. Punk fashion used to be more baggy but now it’s skinny jeans and everything is dark colors. Patches, tights with shorts over them,” said Snyder. “The goths come in too, but they seem to spend more time indoors so we don’t see as many of them. What makes things worse is, they’re all dehydrated. I guess it became a thing to remind people to drink water on Instagram and now they’re thinking drinking water is supporting Mark Zuckerberg or something.”

At press time, Anderson was being admitted to a local hospital due to his sweaty feet causing a case of trench foot far worse than anything soldiers in World War 1 dealt with.