AUCKLAND, N.Z. — Property developers demolishing iconic local venue the Queens Arms sold the impossibly sticky floor to an international flypaper manufacturer on Wednesday, as they try to make the most money possible from the building’s resources, construction management confirmed.
“Well, obviously, we tried to sell everything we could… but it was so disgusting inside, even the local gallery specializing in bodily fluid art wouldn’t take the bathroom wall for display,” said developer Brayden King-Smith. “It was only when we saw a tradesman fall over and wriggle helplessly on the floor as the life slowly drained out of him that we had our eureka moment, so to speak.”
Confidence in material repurposing is up strongly with the discovery, after months of investor worry that the dozens of multi-million dollar apartments going up in the iconic inner-city location would be the only return.
“Yeah, the ol’ Board [of Investors] was pretty worried for a while there,” said an Armani-clad King-Smith. “Truth be told, the only reason it took so long to sort this floor business is because we were terrified of the place. We sent an intern in to take some photos, and she only got out by the grace of God — lost her shoes and socks, but luckily found a low-hanging pipe and climbed to safety.”
Officials at Brightrock Pest Control Ltd., the conglomerate that bought the venue floor, say it is one of the most powerful adhesives they have ever encountered.
“The peel strength on this floor is like nothing I’ve seen before. When we were sent samples, I ripped my favorite cufflinks right out of my jacket when I accidentally brushed up against it,” said Brightrock CEO Timothy Planter. “We are already in talks with NASA to try to replicate the cohesive strength.”
Despite this progress, the sale still faces strong protest from the community — led by former Queens Arms bartender and local legend Jenny ‘Knuckles’ Simpson.
“Bullshit, man. Bullshit. First they take our venue; now, our fucking floor is going to be keeping some corporatist scum neo-liberal filth lake edge condo free of some fucking flies?” said Simpson. “They keep asking me what we put on the floor, too — like it’s some fucking secret, and not just a decade of sweat, beer, spit, dirt, some piss, and me never bothering to clean it once.”