DALLAS — Huffing aficionado Garrett Brass tactfully broke down for uninitiated newcomers the complexities of a can of spray paint he found in his grandfather’s garage over the weekend, according to multiple dazzled witnesses.
Brass, a self-proclaimed “paint snob,” is known throughout the Dallas metro as an expert sommelier of toxic fumes.
“Now, you’ll notice that this vintage, anti-rust Sherwin-Williams Sky Blue has an earthy aroma and is very nitrous oxide-forward,” Brass explained after pulling a lungful of the toxic fumes from a plain brown bag. “But once imbibed, you’ll get notes of lilac with an almost acidic aftertaste that will challenge your palate and fuck your head up.”
Inhalant connoisseurs travel hundreds of miles to take the exclusive paint flights tutorial, featuring small-batch paints and lacquers from around the world. One recent workshop featured an ’88 Molotow used on the Berlin Wall, described as a “smoky clove with an underpinning of zippy gooseberry.” Some enthusiasts, however, have criticized Brass’s methods.
“The guy is a total elitist,” one huffer said, who asked to remain anonymous. “I once used a bag from Piggly Wiggly, and he literally scoffed at it and made me get one from Trader Joe’s. I just wanted to lay back, feel my brain cells sizzle, and lose time… but he kept going on about ‘opulent biscuits,’ and how ‘a greasy fast food bag ruins the bouquet’ or some shit.”
Brass will allegedly spend hours at a time at Home Depot selecting the perfect cans for each event he hosts. For a special event, he may scour the shelves of boutique mom-and-pop hardware stores and craft suppliers for their esoteric, vintage supply. However, he has come to learn that high expense does not equate to high quality.
“The Montana Black series is a total ripoff,” Brass said, desperately trying to hold on to consciousness. “There’s no body, no layers, no pizza-lolla-tootie and Ezra/Captain lofty merchants frozen cantankerous tinker toys.”
Brass admitted he hopes to spin his success and quality taste in paint huffing to launch video blog reviews of homebrew bath salts. “It’s a huge, untapped market,” he said. “Well-balanced cathinone levels can yield a complex whirlwind of loud bread, rose petals, and the color 13.”