SALEM, Mass. — Local flea market patron Harold Barnes met a genie who asked if it could bum three wishes off him after he rubbed an old lamp during a recent shopping excursion, according to sources who think he’ll just spend the wishes on booze.
“I was at the Stuff N’ Things when I saw this old brass lamp, which is any bargain hunter’s dream come true. I suppose the Anti-Flag sticker on the side of the lamp should have been a red flag,” said Barnes. “I rubbed the lamp, hoping that the magical being inside would grant me great wealth and happiness. Instead, some stale Pall Mall smoke just came out of it, and a voice inside asked if I had three wishes it could bum off of me instead. It said it would get me back after the first, but it wasn’t very convincing.”
Matilda Harper, owner of the antique mall, was aware of the genie, and said she has not been able to sell the lamp since she acquired it in 1994.
“Oh, I wish I’d never bought that cursed lamp at a yard sale,” said Harper. “That creature inside, Scuzzy G, is such a jerk. He told me the only wish he’d grant is if I wished to see his genie dick. He’s more of a liability than an attraction, and I’m pretty sure he’s the reason this shop has bedbugs.”
Although he previously lived in a discarded Skoal can, Scuzzy G has resided in the lamp since finding it in a dumpster outside the Fugazi show he was ejected from in 1992.
“I may be a 4,000-year-old fantastical djinn with unearthly powers, but I don’t give a fuck,” said Scuzzy, who followed up the statement with an Old English-scented belch so strong that it lifted the lid of his home. “I’ve been squatting in this fucking lamp for 30 years, and I’m not going anywhere. If you need wishes to make your life fulfilling, go to fucking Disneyland or The Bunny Ranch or something and leave me the fuck alone.”
At press time, Harper was forced to apologize to two elderly customers who rubbed the lamp for luck, only to see a sparkly middle blue finger reach up through the spout.