ELLICOTT CITY, Md. — Teenage punk and C+ student Geoff Berger was given a second yearbook photo this week to accommodate his 18-inch high, multi-colored mohawk, annoyed students and staff confirmed.
“I’ve been growing my mohawk out for so long… and frankly, it’d be a slap in the face if they won’t give me an extra photo but give one to the blind kid’s dumbass seeing-eye dog,” said Berger. “Sorry I don’t fit into your bullshit, cookie-cutter world — my mohawk and the punk lifestyle have always been a deeply ingrained part of who I am, ever since I discovered Black Flag four months ago.”
Fellow student and yearbook editor Corina Hutton was forced to accommodate Berger, as well as manage several more of his unreasonable demands.
“The problem with a guy like Geoff is, if you give into him once, he’ll just keep pushing his luck,’” said Hutton. “So as soon as we figured out we could just label the mohawk photo as ‘Geoff Berger (cont’d),’ he started pushing me to dedicate the yearbook to ‘the misfits and fuck-ups in Mr. Panapresso’s study hall,’ and asking to swap out photos of the state champ girl’s basketball team for some ‘gnarly pics’ of his band standing in front of an abandoned building.”
Algebra teacher and mathletes coach Shawna Segura confirmed that Berger’s entitled behavior was not an isolated incident, and in fact something she’d witnessed on several occasions.
“I hate to say that a 15-year-old is a whiny little shithead, but that 15-year-old Geoff Berger is a whiny little shithead,” said Segura. “He thinks he’s fighting ‘the man’ when he’s handing out his incredibly vulgar zine, ‘Fistfuck Your Teacher: A Guide for Working Class High Schoolers’ during the childhood cancer benefit concert… or by convincing the principal his weekly band practice should count as a PE requirement. He’s just an obnoxious jerk.”
At press time, Berger was accusing the school of discrimination for not giving him the role of Danny Zuko in the fall production of “Grease,” and demanding compensation of a new amp head.