LAS VEGAS — Probation officers around the country reported an overwhelming amount of travel request forms from felons under their supervision who want to travel to the Sick New World Festival, burnt-out sources confirmed.
“As soon as the festival lineup was announced my email inbox filled up so fast that my computer started to overheat, and the fax machine in my office went absolutely insane. I didn’t even realize that thing was plugged in,” said longtime probation officer Jacob Green. “It seemed like every guy I supervise, from the petty criminals to the problem alcoholics to the dangerous felons all wanted a chance to head to the fest. I did some quick math and realized that if my peers and I grant 75% of these requests then that entire fest will be filled with nothing but low-level criminals.”
Hopeful Sick New World attendee Larissa “Bubblegum” Gomes was one of the first people to complete a travel request form.
“I missed the fest last year because my dumbass waited until the last minute to ask for permission and I wasn’t going to make that mistake again. I had my form filled out and scheduled to send while I was in my court-ordered anger management class,” said Gomes. “I haven’t been to Vegas in nearly two decades, which means nobody there will recognize me as the chick that lit a row of slot machines on fire inside Circus Circus. I’ll be on my best behavior this time and I’m only going to set things on fire if one of the bands on stage tells us to.”
Sick New World promoters say they booked the fest to appeal to people who have run afoul of the law.
“We wanted to put together an event that brings people together. Whether they were busted for selling drugs to high school kids, or intentionally driving their car through a Starbucks window because their coffee order wasn’t right,” said festival organizer Emma Cass. “Some people might think it’s dangerous to put so many convicted criminals into one confined space, but they are wrong. If you are worried that every single person around you snuck a homemade shank into the fest inside their show then you are far less likely to cause trouble. We expect a nice peaceful event brimming with people who are excited to travel further than five miles from their house for the first time all year.”
Tickets for Sick New World go on sale Friday the 13th and will offer special pricing for anyone burdened by child support payments.