WHEELING, W.V. – Supposed Cannibal Corpse fan Gary Morgan is allegedly using a dating app to find a new romantic partner instead of perusing his local cemetery, offended sources scoffed.
“I just got out of a long-term relationship, and I’m trying to get back into the dating scene to find somebody new,” Morgan said. “I downloaded OkCupid, so fingers crossed that it works out and I’m able to connect with someone. Death metal is a big part of my life, and Cannibal Corpse is my favorite band, so of course I mentioned that in the ‘About Me’ section. I gotta say though, when I mentioned this on Instagram I got a bunch of weird comments calling me a fake fan. Not sure what that’s all about.”
Morgan’s friend and fellow Cannibal Corpse fan Octavia Grandview was disgusted to hear of Morgan’s dating approach.
“I nearly fell over when I heard what Gary was doing,” Grandview reported. “Everybody knows a true Cannibal Corpse fan would find a new partner by skulking into a cemetery after closing hours and digging up a fresh grave. I’ve known him for years and I thought it was a given that he understood this. Is Gary even a fan? I mean, we just blasted ‘Tomb of the Mutilated’ in its entirety during a recent trip to visit a friend, but it’s obvious he didn’t get the message. I’m going to have to sit down and talk with him about the effects of poserdom on our friendship.”
Cannibal Corpse lead singer George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher wasn’t shy about providing his take on the situation.
“I thought it was common knowledge that our fanbase is not to be composed of people with living romantic partners,” Fisher mentioned while struggling to maintain hold of the dozens of stuffed animals he had recently won from a claw vending machine. “I guess I was just being naïve in assuming all of my listeners were either single or in relationships with festering corpses. If this Morgan guy has the nerve to show up to one of my shows, I’m going to have to jump into the crowd and beat the shit out of him. I’ve done it before, and I’ll fucking do it again.”
At press time, Morgan had matched with a poser Bolt Thrower fan who wasn’t using Warhammer 40K meetups to find a new partner.